My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life' |
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Claret Murph
Paul McGrath Hmmm, Goodness, I must say Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Location: Tibet Status: Offline Points: 15748 |
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" Bowl of water and raw meat " and still no sign of a Tea Bag , but there is still time . |
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Lansdowne Road debut aged 52 and 201 days .
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Sham157
Moderator Group Joined: 17 Jul 2009 Location: Monaghan/Dublin Status: Offline Points: 33210 |
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Trap junior
Robbie Keane YBIG Minister of Doom & Gloom Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Irish Riviera Status: Offline Points: 39837 |
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Ch 14 Punditry
''I had always sworn I would never be a pundit. In 2008 Sky came looking for me to do a Man Utd game at Old Trafford. I had always hated the idea but they put up big money so I called Michael Kennedy. He knows how I am. ''Go for it Roy. why not?'' he said I reluctantly agreed. Michael made the arrangements. A few weeks later I arrived at Old Trafford. I had started to hate the place ever since I left United. I felt like I was going to place of betrayal. Kick off was 4pm but Sky require you to be at the stadium from 11am for make up and rehearsals. I am met at the security entrance by a Sky crew member. He escorts me up to the Sky studio whereupon I am greeted by sky anchorman Richard Keys. I dislike him immediately but I think ''bite your lip Roy, try to get on with it.'' He is wearing jeans and a white shirt with black suede shoes. He looks like he has stepped out of a MArks and Spencer's catelogue. The one where some gimp has his jacket hanging off the back of his shoulder with his index finger. I had only ever seen him wearing suits before fromwatching the tv coverage from my home. He looked like a clown. He greeted me waith a smarmy handshake ''Welcome Roy'' he said as he told me to have a seat. He handed me a few A4 sheets of paper which had the script for todays broadcast. ''What the fook is this?'' I thought ''Are we in a panto or analysing a f**king football match??'' I said to Keys. He just laughed like a moron. I gave him a hard stare. The one where it looks like red lasers are coming out of my eyes burning a hole in his face. Keys gives me a quick run down of how he wants things to go today and I just wanted to leave. ''Don't do it Roy. Don't take the bait'' I thought. ''Lets go down the canteen for some grub Roy'' ''No I'm ok. Theresa gave me a breakfast.'' ''Well we usually eat at 12 Roy then come back up around 1.30 for make up.'' ''ok''. ''Great'' he said. ''Jamie should be along shortly''. I rolled my eyes. He was referring to Jamie Redknapp. Footballs pretty pin up boy. I played against him many a time. I thought he was a coward. We entered the canteen under the main stand. Keys ordered a Lasagne and chips. I went for a bowl of water and lumps of raw meat. It's what I used to have before a game. After a while in walks Redknapp looking like a complete fool. He's wearing skin tight ripped jeans, a black shirt and a scarf. It's indoors and early September. He has one of those haircuts that just screams 'punch me'. It's a hairdo Theresa would pay good money for. HE has brought his hair straightener along and a multitude of hair products. I know this is going to be one of those days where I will find it hard not to smash him through the window. I am feeling uncomfortable being among these muppets. Then in walks the gruesome twosome. Martin Tyler and Andy Gray. Tyler looks like a pall bearer. All the character of a slug and his scottish sidekick is the Mouth of the Clyde. I hate the pair of them. I made my way to the toilet and stayed there for half an hour. Anything to avoid talking to these fools. When I came back they were s*****ring. ''Have a dose of the old Guinness trots Roy!?'' I felt my hand clench into a fist. Just then the sky make up girls come over to the table to tell us its time to get ready. Keys is saved by the bell. I am already wearing my suit but Keys and the other fool have to go off to change into their Armani suits and Rolex watches. I sit in one of those directors chairs while the girls do their thing. They are lovely but I dont like wearing make up. 40mins till we go on air. We are all in the studio. Keys is drining a cup of tea talking about some tart that worked in Sky Sports News. Redknapp is giggling like a schoolgirl. ''I'd like to smash her backdoors in'' Keys boasts like a pubescent prick. ''Why dont you shut your mouth or I'll smash your face in'' R.Keane can be cutting too. Keys sits stunned. Nobody''s ever pulled him on acting like a sexist pig before. I have a mother, a wife and daughter. Pricks like him degrading them. Keys and the other muppett sit in silence like choir boys until we go on air. The game is a snorefest. At half time Keys wants us to go over the highlights of the 1st half. ''Highlights?'' I thought . I was nearly asleep. I was getting sick of this imposter. A 58 year old man acting like a horny kid. I grabbed him by the hair on the back of his hands and stuck him a headbutt from across the table. Redknapp ran like a girl in terror. I'd get him another day. People were scurrying for cover. Security was called. I made my getaway down the gantry stairs. Luckily I brought my trusty basball cap. I pulled it down over my face. No one recognised me as I left the building. Then all of a sudden... |
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Pied Piper to: Baldrick, Brendan 88, 9Fingers, Borussia and more...
97.6% chance this post will be replied to by Baldrick (source: PWC) |
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FREEWHEELER
Robbie Keane sPICE UP YOUR LIFE Gwan MONROY Joined: 29 Mar 2007 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 24595 |
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Great stuff son
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We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 19 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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The Count
Paul McGrath Joined: 06 Feb 2007 Location: Romania Status: Offline Points: 17177 |
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we want more, we want more
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SteviesGranny
Liam Brady Joined: 21 Aug 2010 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 2109 |
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He managed to make David Connolly the highest paid footballer in Holland
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El_nino
Jack Charlton Santa Slayer Joined: 31 May 2011 Location: London/Leitrim Status: Offline Points: 5015 |
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Guilty |
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Trapped
Roy Keane Coat hangar expert Joined: 04 Mar 2010 Location: El North Side Status: Offline Points: 10071 |
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Quality work TJ.
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67% points to games ratio at the last Euro's (better than Portugal's)
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Trap junior
Robbie Keane YBIG Minister of Doom & Gloom Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Irish Riviera Status: Offline Points: 39837 |
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I think I am staring to believe Im Roy Keane |
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Pied Piper to: Baldrick, Brendan 88, 9Fingers, Borussia and more...
97.6% chance this post will be replied to by Baldrick (source: PWC) |
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RogerMilla
Moderator Group #TEAMJAVIER #ENGANCHE Joined: 15 Feb 2007 Location: Delaney Park Status: Offline Points: 34858 |
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hang on a sec TJ that last bit is all true
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The first time the Devil made me do it. The second time I did it on my own.
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Trap junior
Robbie Keane YBIG Minister of Doom & Gloom Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Irish Riviera Status: Offline Points: 39837 |
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chapter 5: My last week at United
''October 29 2005. United are playing an important Premier League game away to Middlesbrough. I have to miss the game with injury sustained against Liverpool a month earlier. Its a f**king shambles. United lose 4-1. It's embarassing. Due to contractural obligations it's my turn to do an analysis of the game for the club's tv channel MUTV. The now infamous interview was tame in truth. There was nothing in that interview that was out of order. I told it like I saw it. As the presenter Steve Bower showed me the goals on the video I felt ashamed to be associated with those players. The fans who paid our wages had to go into work on Monday morning and endure the taunts, the sneers. I wasn't about to sugarcoat my words. I made comments about various players that were fair and accurate. The full interview is included at the end of this chapter and I stand by it. The next day I'm called to the managers office. Alex Ferguson had been the most successful manager in recent times but he had lost the drive. I felt after the league title triumph in 2003, he had lost the hunger, was going through the motions. He made a string of poor buys. Guys like Heinze, Kleberson, Djemba Djemba and Alan Smith arrived at the club. We were Manchester United. We were supposed to be winning championships and Champions League titles with these players?? United had been the top force in British football for a decade. Now Arsenal and Chelsea had stepped up their games. We had fallen behind. Mourinho's Chelsea were the new top dogs and looked almost unbeatable the previous season. They were signing top talent. Making a real go of it. We were going backwards. Buying rejects from the bargain basement of world football. I knock on the managers door. The manager had a go at me. I wasn't about to accept this from him. I told the truth. Told him he was losing the hunger. Said I wanted the interview to be shown to the players. That I stand by it. He agreed. That day we sat in the room while the interview was shown to the players. A couple walked out. Views were exchanged. Some of the players sat there and never said a word. 'Cowards' I thought. It was clear that most of the players resented my comments and at the end Carlos Quiroz tried to step in and be the big man. 'Why was he butting in now?' I thought. I told him exactly what I thought of him. Van der Sar told me I was out of order. I told him to 'go f**k himself' and left the room. The manager summoned me to his office the following morning. I called Michael Kennedy. Michael's been a good friend and knows how to deal with things like this. He managed to make David Connolly the highest paid footballer in Holland. He could sell ice to the eskimos. 9am we entered the managers office. Ferguson sat opposite me looking sheepish. ''We are going to have to let you go Roy'' ''The interview crossed the line and you have lost the trust of your teammates'' I said nothing. Sat there silently listening to the spin this clown was spouting. ''I thank you for your 11 yrs service to the club and we wish you well in the future.'' ''You're a liar Alex. It was 12 yrs service.'' I said 'Why was he deliberately getting his timeline wrong??' I thought We shook hands and I left the ground. Michael Kennedy stayed behind to work out a severance package. I sat in my car and cried for maybe 2 mins then thought ''f**k him. He betrayed me. He sold me out.'' Ferguson the man was ruthless. A non human. He had fallen out with Incey, Ruud and Becks. Uses you then throws you away when you are of no use to him. 'He'll get what's coming to him' I thought. I arrived home. Triggs greeted me at the gate. Thank God for her. She knows the way it is. She stood by me through Saipan, and she will stand by me now. She will never betray me. I told Theresa what happened. She was great. I put on my wellies and paddy hat. ''Lets go Triggs. We're going for a walk.'' On Rio Ferdinand: “Just because you are paid £120,000 a week and play well for 20 minutes against Tottenham you think you are a superstar.” On Edwin van der Sar, who let in the first goal against Boro from 30 yards: “He should have saved that.” On John O’Shea: “He’s just strolling around but he should be bursting a gut to get back.” On Darren Fletcher: “I can’t understand why people in Scotland rave about Darren Fletcher.” On Kieran Richardson: “He is a lazy defender who deserved to get punished.” On Alan Smith: “He is wandering around as if he is lost. He doesn’t know what he is doing.” On Carlos Quiroz: ''You're the worst coach I've ever worked with.'' On Ruud Van Nistelrooy: ''He should be more concerned with scoring goals than playing with his hair.'' |
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Pied Piper to: Baldrick, Brendan 88, 9Fingers, Borussia and more...
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SteviesGranny
Liam Brady Joined: 21 Aug 2010 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 2109 |
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Does anyone else read these in a Roy Keane accent!
Briliiant stuff |
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Roberto Baggio
Robbie Keane UNBELIEVABLE JEFF Joined: 28 Jan 2010 Status: Offline Points: 37333 |
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First one 4/10
Second one a solid 7/10
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El_nino
Jack Charlton Santa Slayer Joined: 31 May 2011 Location: London/Leitrim Status: Offline Points: 5015 |
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Top class
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keitho5
Liam Brady Joined: 31 Oct 2009 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 2173 |
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Oooooooooohhhhhh yes sir......
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BigStrongMan
Robbie Keane Just Modding Like Joined: 22 May 2009 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 107633 |
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PM me for all forum moderation queries.
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cm79
Liam Brady Cawhil cattle caaaaal Joined: 29 Apr 2012 Location: phibsboro Status: Offline Points: 2471 |
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Brilliant TJ
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McG
Moderator Group SISAO? What the hell is SISAO? Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Location: Christmas Island Status: Offline Points: 26998 |
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This is sensational stuff
"Hello"
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YBIG Table Quiz winner 2016 & 2017
AS YOU WERE McGx |
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