Funny Sex Stories/First Time Having Sex

I work in a big office building which holds about 30 different companies. About a year ago I was having a few pints in the local with a couple of the lads, had just broken up with my missus of 4 years so was like a dog in heat, then a gang of women from the office that would be adjacent to my own walk in for a team night out. One of these is about 45/50 (at least 25 years older than me) but she is slightly better looking than most women her age. Anyways I get talking to her a bit as I’d know her from my fag breaks.

Fast-forward a couple of hours later and I am well on it, in the local disco this time and I spot her again. The next 10 seconds are a bit of a blur and the next thing I remember we are both all over each other, about 5 feet in front of the new ex, and in front of the 6 women from the office next door. The ex comes over and calls your one a slapper anyways and a small riot ensues, all a bit of a blur but anyway next thing I remember we’re just after picking up a snackbox and I’m in a 25 minute taxi back to hers, even though I live a 2 minute walk from the disco, but I didn’t fancy bringing somebody older than my mother back to meet her.

Back to hers we are anyway things just starting to get hot and heavy and she starts having a bit of a panic attack, kicks me out of her house, me standing outside in the pouring rain, willy in hand and no idea where I am, I knock pleading her to let me back in or call me a cab and she brings me back into the sitting room while she goes upstairs to explain the situation to her daughter, who is only a year younger than me. All’s good and she comes back down and we go at it again. Im sitting on this white fur couch that looks like it costs thousands, feels like im sitting on a bed of Keith Andrews’ hair. She tugging me away and everything feels perfect then I look down and boom, blood f**king everywhere, turned her couch from Keith Andrews to Ryan Babel, little rip by the banjo string but must have lost a litre of blood. It didn’t even phase her, kept tugging away like she was trying to plunge a toilet Sam Allardyce had been let loose on. I couldn’t do it, needed a quick trip to the jacks to have a quick clean up. No serious damage done thank god and blood stops after a few mins, ready to go again. Go back in anyway and get the job done, all’s good. Lets me sleep in her son’s bed and I’m happy out.

Then I woke up the next morning and wow I have never had fear like it. No idea where I am, no battery on my phone, and not a penny on me and no wallet or cards. Into her room I go and there she is, fully naked on top of the covers so i go over and try wake her up, nothing, She’s one of those people who sleep with their eyes open so for a split second I think shes dead. But a couple more slaps on the breasts and alls good shes up. Had to ask her for money for the bus fare home and directions to the nearest bus stop, I have blood all over my jocks, jeans and shirt. Anyway she has nothing but clearly wants me out of there ASAP, she tells me to wait downstairs while she goes in to ask her daughter for money but nobody is in there. The daughter was downstairs and she is welcomed by the sight of a lad around the same age as her come down the stairs with blood all over his clothes. We don’t say anything, just stare at each other until the mother realises the mess shes made downstairs. Mother gets me the money anyway and sends me on my way, ask a few randomers for directions to the bus station and im on my way. Hoping I wouldn’t be picked up by the police, although I had a jacket to cover the blood on my shirt at least. Anyway I found out a couple of days later that woman was engaged, wedding been cancelled since. Still see her every day and it’s still just as awkward as the first time I did after that night. Good Craic anyway.