My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life'

TOP GUN - Manchester

Plot:   Roy Keane is a maverick footballer with a past of not playing by the rules.  He has been called up by Pep Guardiola at Man City to do some coaching of the young up and coming talent. Guardiola has tasked Keane with an assault on the European Cup and to teach the young guns the mentality that has so far been lacking in these talented yet wimpy players. The European Cup remains an elusive target that has so far evaded City.Little does Keane know one of the recruits is one Erling Haaland, son of 'Goose' Haaaland who still blames Keane for the death of his father Alfie during a ruthless tackling exercise. 

In April 2002 I approached McCarthy about bringing my strength and conditioning coach from Manchester United Mick Clegg to the World Cup. It did not end well.

(A week prior):

I travelled to Bolivia with Niall Quinn to meet Clegg.  He was the main man at giving athletes explosive strength. His stuff was good.  Quinn had trepidation about the trip.  Christ!    Clegg welcomes us onto his property.   He gives us a lunch as we sit outside in the hot sunshine.  Everything is fine.  We discuss a deal whereby Clegg will come to the 2002 World Cup Finals in Japan and Korea.  Its my belief that this man will turn us into the SAS.  A massive boost to the team which could see us take the trophy home.

Quinn buts in. ''Roy I am down on Mick's authority to sanction any deal. Mick needs to get to know Mr. Clegg first.''

''Let him propose a proposition and then we will talk some more'' I say.

''MrClegg.  I am down on Mick's authority to sanction any deal.'' Quinn says.

''Why don't you go home and talk to Mick'' Clegg says

''Oh you can leave your friend here.''

''Tell Mick I am keeping this guy on ice for him'' I say.

Quinn is seething as he is escorted away by Clegg's associates.

''I like you Roy'' Clegg says.  ''There is no lying in you.  i think you speak from the heart. Unfortunately I can't say the same about the rest of your organisation.  Your friend Quinn is an informer.''

Clegg hands me a pair of binoculars as I look up to find Quinn being hanged from a helicopter.''

''Eh Clegg! I never liked that guy. Lets get one thing straight.  I never f**ked anybody over in my life. Didn;t have it coming to me.  That guy is a snake.''

'Dont you ever try to f**k me Roy. Don;t you ever try to f**k me.''

I nod in understanding.

'Go back to Mick and we will talk next week''

A few days later I meet with Mick....

Mick:  What the f**k happened to Quinny!?

Me: He was an informer.

Mick:  You say he is an informer purely because Clegg said so?!  Maybe you and Clegg know something I don't know!

Me: 'Like what'? I say angrily

Mick: You stole your deal with Clegg!  What about Casper Gomesz? What about the Diaz brothers?!

Me: f**k Casper Gomez and f**k the f**king Diaz Brothers!!  f**k em all!''

Mick:  Let's just say I want things to remain the same just as they are for now. Clegg wont e coming to Japan. I am the boss.

Me: Ok Mick.

Keane and David Connolly leave the scene:

''That guy is soft'' I say. 

Het-field wrote: Happy Christmas, TJ!

Many happy returns!

Christmas.  I sometimes ask myself 'what's it all about?' Its a load of nonsense.  People enjoying themselves? Do me a favour.  People getting excited! Believing in Santa Claus.  Wearing matching pyjamas!  Get excited if you win the lotto!  People seem to think I am this sort of loner who sits in his house miserable all the time.  Its all lies.  Listen. I'm not a total scrooge.  I do enjoy the odd Christmas movie.  Home Alone.  It's one of them movies you just have to watch isn't it?  If it's on I'll give it a watch with a cup of tea and a bit of chocolate.  That Kevin lad annoys me though.  Imagine missing your flight!  Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.  I might have a thought 'Go easy on him Roy.  Small child of 8 being left at home at Christmas. Not his fault.'  Then I would think 'no'.  'He acted the maggot the night before, got sent to the attic. Spoilt little brat. He got what he deserved.  Then there's Harry and Marv.   More like Harry Maguire!  Totally incompetent!  They are supposed to be professional burglars!  That's their job! Can't even break into a near empty house occupied by a little brat.  I tell you, if I was the other burglar I'd be swinging punches at that Harry. 

I always feel a little sad when his mother turns up at the end.  He gets away with murder! And of course he gets all the praise from the family after.  Do me a favour.  If I was his dad I'd kick him out of the bloody house!   Theresa tells me to stop yelling abuse at the tv.  What do you want me to do?  Not get angry? Not challenge him?  They're all a bloody disgrace!   Theresa says its only a film and to calm down.   What the f**k would she know.