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Topic ClosedTommy Cooper jokes ....................Quality!

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Paul McGrath
Paul McGrath


Joined: 06 Feb 2007
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Tommy Cooper jokes ....................Quality!
    Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 9:12am

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on .

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there!

I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then ?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

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erimus View Drop Down
Roy Keane
Roy Keane
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 9:50am
Where did ye get them...The Pound Shop??!!
This is our f**king country we're talking about - Keano

ROLL ON 2016
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Paul McGrath
Paul McGrath


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 9:58am

these are what you call 'funny gags' erimus not like you christmas cracker ones!

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erimus View Drop Down
Roy Keane
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 10:05am
Yeah bout as funny as a car crash
This is our f**king country we're talking about - Keano

ROLL ON 2016
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Paul McGrath
Paul McGrath


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 10:09am

I think you'll find theres millions more Tommy Cooper fans than Christmas cracker and euro bargain basement joke book fans out there!

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Roy Keane
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 10:14am
must be some christmas crackers you get!
This is our f**king country we're talking about - Keano

ROLL ON 2016
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500 Club la la la
500 Club la la la


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 12:12pm
Why don't the two of you agree that neither of you have a sense of humourThumbs%20Up
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Robbie Keane
Robbie Keane
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sPICE UP YOUR LIFE Gwan MONROY

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2007 at 5:02pm
Eh.....I think they're good in fairness to you Count.
We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 19 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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Kevin Kilbane
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Oct 2007 at 7:57am
For once Count you get the JSThumbs%20Up.....
Irelands Call my arse...
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