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My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Devrozex Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2020 at 9:49am
LOL

"This is what separates the men from the fagg*ts." Dec. Jerry Lynch
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FREEWHEELER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2020 at 11:38am

Been off here for a few months.  Brilliant recent diaries Trap Jr, especially The Shining and reference to the Nevilles in the corridor.  Outstanding LOL

We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 18 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mr Brick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2020 at 1:00pm
You should have got the gig, Tj. Whoever told Barry Egan he can write deserves death a by a thousand enemas. 
Is fearr Gaeilge briste ná Béarla clíste.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Oct 2020 at 12:15pm
Roytirement:

I retired from football in May 2006.  People ask 'do you miss it Roy?'
'No'.
My love of football died the day I left Manchester United.  Football is a business. I get that.  Chairmen screw managers, managers screw players, agents screw clubs. In late 2005 it was my turn to be screwed.  I was a commodity that was now not worth much.  Traded, used then discarded.  That's you Roy.  No 'thanks for all the years of service Roy.'  Just 'there's the severance package.  Now go annoy someone else.' 

That someone else was about to be Gordon Strachan.  He told me he didn't want me at Celtic so I joined.  f**k him.  I know where I'm not wanted. so that's where I'm going.   My time at Celtic turned out to be a bloody nightmare.  My first game at Clyde was the unveiling ground for this new signing.  The pitch resembled a speedway track. A stadium with 3 sides. Windswept and cold in January.  Welcome to your new life Roy.  I used to get abused by opposition fans.  Here? There were no fans.  We lose.  I'm already thinking 'Christ! I've signed on for a couple for years up here!''.  Clyde's facilities wouldn't resemble those of Highbury or Old Trafford.  A cold shower and it's straight onto the team bus for the depressing journey back.  John Hartson is already on the bus tucking into his post match meal.  Johnnie Onion Rings and a bottle of Irn Bru.  At United we would be on the best foods.  Carbohydrates, protein and creatine to aid recovery for the next training session and game.  At Celtic it was chocolate, prawn cocktail crisps and Coke.  John, the good lad that he is extends his arm offering me a few of his onion rings. 'No thanks John.'   We win the league. John is 19 stone now.  Hail hail.

My love of the game remained dead all through my managerial career.  Sunderland, Ipswich and Ireland came and went with a few smiles. But mostly anger.  'This is your future Roy' I thought as looked on at Callum Robinson making a snapchat at a team meeting.  The game has changed. 'Don't be hard on them Roy' I told myself. Was it a generational thing? Maybe.  People are different now.  Maybe you don't fit into this way of life Roy.  It was late 2018 and how I wish I were back at the comparitively good days of watching John Hartson eat his way to Type 2 diabetes on the team bus in the days before social media.

Throughout 2019 and 2020 I spent my time in the studios of ITV and Sky doing punditry.  It was ok.  Micah Richards.  He likes a snapchat.  He told me he burst onto the scene.  I know what I'd like to burst.  Micah is not the worst. A bit daft but a good lad.  But one can spend too much time with Micah.  I take him like I do my prostate examination.  Lets get this over with and the discomfort you feel during it is outweighed by the relief and long lasting satisfaction when its finally over with for another year.  I'm not due to do punditry with him until 2021 again.

I am at home in October.  Theresa tells me to not look so glum. I'm bored.  Bored of life.  Bored of football.  I look at Triggs.  Thank God for her.  The love of my life.  She understands.
Phone call.
Roy 'someone's on the phone for you Roy'.
It's Becks.
'Hello' I thought.
'Hi Keanie'  (Keanie??)
'Hello Becks.'
'How are you Roy?'
'The usual.miserable.'
'Great. I know you thrive on misery Roy'.  (cheeky bugger.  I like Becks)
'Roy this isn't a social call.'
'We want you at Inter Milan'
'Inter Milan!' I thought.
'Sorry I mean Inter Miami'.
'My heart sinks once more back to its homeostatic state'.
'We want you to be our new coach.'



To be continued....


Edited by Trap junior - 18 Oct 2020 at 12:25pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote McG Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Oct 2020 at 1:19pm
the “hello” gets me every time LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote The Huntacha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Oct 2020 at 3:53pm
LOL
Jimmy Bullard - "Favorite band? Elastic."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2020 at 12:37am
Roy's Christmas Message   by Roy Keane (aged 49 1/2)

Let's face it.  An annus horribilis.  2020 has been a bit of a disaster for one main reason.  United's poor form.  Some of the defending has been shocking.  Really abysmal stuff.  DeGea! The most overrated goalkeeper....EVER! And Maguire!  I think my daughter could defend better.  England international? If that's one of the best defenders in England then God help us.  Things are worse than I thought.  Lindelof?  More like KittenSoft.   Shaw?  He looks like he has had his Christmas dinner early. Another awful player.  At least get fit!  He looks like he must be going for a Chinese after every game.  He must be wearing size 40 shorts!  Then there is Paul Pogba. A talented boy.  He has a pass and a goal in him but during his last medical he had an issue with his ECG. The doctors found out he had no heart.  Paul won't be at United much longer. Ole needs to get rid of him.  Trust me.  
United have had a few wins of late.  Don't get carried away. 'Ole's at the wheel'.  I think Ole's driving record isn't the best. I think he must be still on his provisional.  He's got more points on his licence than they have in the league.  Let's not get kidded on.  Ole's a nice guy.  A good guy. Too nice maybe.  A few fluky wins against the Premier League's no hopers.  This is Man Utd!  A 3 game winning streak is seen as some sort of roll!  Players hugging each other and laughing.  You're not supposed to enjoy winning.  Some of these players now.  My God!  Wearing the face off each other in the tunnel before a derby game. Fist bumping like they are The Notorious BIG. Really childish stuff.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm looking at a football match or Boyz in the Hood.  All Pogba needs is a gold chain and a gun.  He puts more effort into these fist bumping routines than his game! He comes out with these ridiculous haircuts. I had to do a double take one time because I actually thought Grace Jones had ran out for the game.
Apart from United there were some real horror shows.  Pickford!  A stupid boy.  I'd say he failed trigonometry in school anyway.  Doesn't know his angles. Probably the worst goalkeeper to play in the Premier League in 30 yrs.  People say he's England number 1! I just laugh. He looks a bit slow that boy and I'm not talking about his reaction times.  Speaking of idiots Kyle Walker is up there.  Kyle likes to stick a foot out in stupid places.  Gives away penalties. You wonder if he has a brain.  He has his sleeve tattoos though (important).
Mikel Arteta took over Arsenal a year ago. People hailed him as the next Guardiola.  He's Spanish. He talks a good game. He'd do. Arsenal are 15th in the table and they say he's revolutionising the club! Sometimes I think football these days is about your image than your ability.  Nice haircut. Check.  Speak with a foreign accent. Check. Talk about systems. Check.  Split your two centre backs on the goal line for kick outs. Check.  Arsenal are 15th.  Could go down.  But Mikel is doing a great job.  The Manuel from Fawlty Towers of the Premier League. 
I'd like to manage again.  I think I deserve another crack off of it. I think maybe I don't have the image for it.  I can't see myself fist bumping like Vanilla Ice.
Don't get me started on Liverpool.  Early in the year we were told they were the best Premier League team EVER! Do me a favour! I was on doing one of their games on Sky.  ''Don't be bitter Roy. Bite your tongue'' I told myself.  ''Play the media game.  You want another job in management. Play the game.'' No. I'd be lying. People tune in to hear my thoughts. I'd be letting my whole family down. My brother Johnson back in Cork would be mortified if I didn't have a needless go at someone.  I'd be imagining him getting stick in Trax niteclub or some chipper. ''Your brother's a media man now!''  The shame.  Liverpool have won one league title. Klopp had a go at me for saying his side were sloppy.  This coming from the most bipolar man in England.  He's either laughing his head off or throwing a hissy fit. There's no in between with Jurgen. 
In December I got a letter from a young lad in some primary school back in Cork.  Theresa thought it was cute. ''Go and pay them a visit Roy'' she said.  The principal thought it would be a good idea for me to address the school in the PE hall.  ''Ms. Murphy in High Babies told me that some of the homework last week was really poor. Shocking stuff.  I am beginning to wonder if any of you have the desire. Look at these drawings. Colouring outside the lines! Really sloppy stuff!  I remember when I was your age getting all my spelling tests right in High Babies and the teacher praising me one day for it in front of the class. Gave me a star. I almost get insulted by that.  What am I supposed to do? Get all my spelling wrong? Not try my best? Not do my best for my family back in Mayfield?  I told her where to go that day.''  On the way out the principal said I had gone too far shouting at the kids, saying they were fat and useless. Telling them Santa was a fraud. Making them cry.  No.  People don't like the truth.
''What do you want me to do? Tell them lies?''

People say Merry Christmas.  Nonsense. 


Roy Keane makes dream come true for Cork school boy - Cork Beo


Edited by Trap junior - 23 Dec 2020 at 2:09pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DeclanDaly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2020 at 1:19am
Clap Grace Jones LOL
You asked if I'd be anyone from history, fact or fiction, dead or alive:
I said "I'd be Tony Cascarino, circa 1995"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mr Brick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2020 at 1:44am
Originally posted by DeclanDaly DeclanDaly wrote:

Clap Grace Jones LOL
What dat mean, Deco?
Is fearr Gaeilge briste ná Béarla clíste.
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the school work LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote The Huntacha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2020 at 9:41am
Haven't heard it called high babies in years LOL Clap
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Feb 2021 at 1:15am
Instagram:

Micah Richards. Micah has joined the world of football analysts in the last year. Burst onto the scene. Maybe.   Micah is on another wavelength to me.  He is like a big child.  Hyper.  Not the worst.  Daft though.  He likes social media. Instagram his platform of choice.  Every spare minute we are off air he has his phone in my face.  Sometimes I think ''f**k off Micah''.  This whole social media world is alien to me.  Me? Social? The closest I've been to the word 'social' is being called a sociopath.  Maybe I should join SociopApp!  Listen. It's all a load of nonsense.  Nonsense.
The last year has meant plenty of time at home killing time during lockdown.  Michael Kennedy calls.
''Roy, I don't know if you follow social media but you and Micah have been getting rave reviews.  They can't get enough of you two.''
I dont respond and roll my eyes.
''I know Roy. I know. But this is a good thing.  You are being seen less as a grumpy disturbed psycho and more a lovable old fart that Micah can bring a smile out of.  Could be your ticket back into management.''
''How so?'' I reply.
''Well Roy. Put it like this.  Your image a year ago was this angry man completely out of touch with the modern player.  You were a loner, a psycho, a hard man.  Now you are showing a cuddly side.  A Roy you can have a laugh with.  If you join Instagram it will show the public and chairmen out there that you can relate to the modern player who has strong social media presence. At least think about it Roy.''
'Hello'  I thought.


I despised the world of social media and modern life.  Full of spivs and posers.  More worried what they look like in photos than what's in their trophy cabinet.  Myself and Martin had been spurned by RatsApp when we were in charge of Ireland.  I paid Stephen Ward a visit soon after.  I don't think he has walked properly since.  But R.Keane is streetwise too.  The calls about potential jobs have dried up for a few years now.  The silence was deafening.  Maybe I need to move with the times. 
Google Play Store.  Search 'Instagram'.  Download.  I shudder.  You've moved over to the dark side Roy. The shame.
I set up an account.  'OfficialKeane16'. I have to upload a photo to get started. I choose the love of my life. Triggs.  Thank God for her.  My first selfie.  I think I've come out in a rash.  Upload.
Within two hours the internet breaks. I'm getting texts asking is this me.  They can't believe it. I have 1 million followers  within a few hours.  I get a text from Gary Neville with a link to his Instagram page. I reply 'so?'.
I sort of feel a bit bemused by it all. This is modern life.  A running photo album. The followers keep coming. Pirlo, Zidane, some bird with big tits who invites me to follow her. Delete.  I see two tits in front of me everytime I am on Sky.  Micah and Dave Jones. 
I'm a grandad now. 49 and a grandad. Jesus.  I upload a pic of me with the miserable little git.  Just like his grandad. R.Keane has a sense of humour. Sometimes.

I get a call from Michael.  This is making waves.  There is an offer in to do a tv advert for Wrigley's Extra.  They want me to play a grumpy dad who catches a young lad in bed with his daughter.  Instead of doing a Haaland on the boy the kid offers me a chewing gum cool minty flavour and I just keep my cool.  The new Roy plays it cool according to the script. The ad finishes with the caption 'Roy is cool now' under an image of a packet of Extra Peppermint. I smirk. Almost.

So you've decided to read this eh?

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Devrozex Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Feb 2021 at 9:03am
RatsApp. LOL

"This is what separates the men from the fagg*ts." Dec. Jerry Lynch
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He's back. LOLHug
The nation holds it's breath...YES, WE'RE THERE!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baldrick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Feb 2021 at 9:57am
poor michael Kennedy passed away last June 
AKA pedantic kunt
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote daithi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Feb 2021 at 10:33am
Originally posted by Baldrick Baldrick wrote:

poor michael Kennedy passed away last June 
Way to go mr buzz kill LOL TJ Clap
Just because it's tradition does not make it right
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote King_Kenny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Feb 2021 at 10:36am
Originally posted by daithi daithi wrote:

Originally posted by Baldrick Baldrick wrote:

poor michael Kennedy passed away last June 
Way to go mr buzz kill LOL TJ Clap
No ceasefire from baldrick then!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BrendanD88 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Feb 2021 at 10:39am
Originally posted by King_Kenny King_Kenny wrote:

Originally posted by daithi daithi wrote:

Originally posted by Baldrick Baldrick wrote:

poor michael Kennedy passed away last June 
Way to go mr buzz kill LOL TJ Clap
No ceasefire from baldrick then!

Predictable.
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