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My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life'

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Joe Lapira
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bellawatson492 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2021 at 11:38am
Well written my boy, I'm proud of you :D
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Nov 2021 at 12:11pm
HALLOWEEN


The scene opens with a stormy night.  The lights have gone out and the gates of the mental institution are wide open.  Mental patients roam the grounds like zombies. The security guards lie dead on the ground.

Background:  On 18 November 2005 Roy Keane left Man Utd after murdering a number of senior players.
Now he has escaped from the local mental institution and has returned to the club on the same day 16 years later.  The famous number on the back of his shirt. This is his story....


Dr. Loomis:  ''He has escaped''
Nurse: ''Who?''
Dr. Loomis:  ''Keane''.
Nurse:  ''Aren't you being a bit over dramatic?''
Dr. Loomis:  ''You don't know what you're dealing with.  I've spent years with Roy.  I've studied him. I've watched him. I've seen him stare at a wall with those piercing eyes for 16 years. Waiting. Plotting.  The conclusion I came to was what we were dealing with was just pure (pauses momentarily for effect) evil.''


(scene cuts to Carrington training complex)

Paul Pogba is looking out the window as Ole Gunnar Solskjaer gives his tactical team talk for the game the following day
Why Halloween&amp;amp;amp;#39;s Michael Myers Driving a Car Is Hilarious

To be continued....



Edited by Trap junior - 07 Nov 2021 at 12:15pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2021 at 12:05am
People think I&amp;amp;amp;amp;#39;m a bit of a head case&amp;amp;amp;amp;#39;: Roy Keane wants to return to  management
The Damned United
Ole had got the sack after a 4-1 loss away to Watford.  The players had gotten away with murder.  The last thing players will do is look at themselves.  Me? No. Blame Ole. The easy target.  On Sunday I was out for a cycle.  When I returned Theresa tells me I had someone call on the phone. Now my favourite part of the week.  Washing the dogs.  After the dogs are shampoo'd I have a cup of tea and a bit of chocolate and sit down to watch Match of the Day 2. Theresa comes in and informs me there's a man on the phone.  She says its the same man from earlier.
'Hi Roy it's Ed''
''Mr Ed?''
''Ed Woodward.''
''Oh ok. Thought you were the talking horse''.
''Roy would you be interested in becoming interim manager of Manchester United?''
Hello I thought
''Me?''
''Yes Roy. We feel an ex club legend is the way forward for the football club and we think you are the man for the job.''
''ok''
''So that's a yes? Great!''
''When do I start?''
''Tomorrow''

Tomorrow!
'Are you sure you wan to do it Roy?' Theresa asks
''Yeah''
''Those players annoy you a lot''
She had a point but thought I would like another crack off of it.  I'd been waiting for an opportunity to get back into management.  Don't look a gift from Mr.Ed in the mouth.

I have learnt from my past failures and decide I need a top coach with lots of experience and big stature who the players will instantly respect so have decided to bring in Tony Loughlin and Phil Starbuck. 

I set off for Carrington at 6am.  Training starts at 9am. 
Woodward informs me that the press nor the players know I have the job yet and the public announcement will be after training.  I sit in my office overlooking the carpark as the players arrive. The car a player drives betrays a clue about the players character.  I see a few Ferraris and De Gea and Pogba are getting out of a Pink Mini Metro.  My God! Now you're in trouble!
At 9am Woodward goes into the changing room, interrupts the banter and says to the players. ''Lads I have an announcement to make. As you know we had to let Ole go yesterday and it was a sad day for us all at the United family but I'd like to introduce you to your new manager. Mr. Roy Keane. Cue my entrance to the sound of complete silence interrupted only by the sound of the odd falling tea cup.

'Now I know training starts at 9am but I know Roy is chomping at the bit and would like to say a few words and give a little motivational team talk before you go out for training. So without further a do Roy...

'Right you lot.  The first thing you can do is throw all your 2nd places in the premier league and Europa League runners up medals into the biggest f**king dustbin you can find coz you've done it all by bloody cheating! Cheated Ole, cheated the fans, cheated the club.  You've been an absolute disgrace!  De Gea! You look like Big Bird in that f**king yellow costume out there. In fact I'd rather have Big Bird in f**king goal. First opportunity take your bags and f**k off back to Valencia or wherever the f**k you are from and become a waiter!  Actually scratch that! You'd only drop the tray!  Maguire! I've never seen such bad defending in my life!  My God! You score a fluky goal against San Marino and you think you are a superstar! You can f**k off as well!  Shaw! Do you eat Chinese every f**king day after training!  You look like the f**king Michelin Man.  I'd rather have John Candy at left back as he can run more than you and he's f**king dead you fat bastard!  Wan Bissaka! I don't know where the club found you.  You're the worst player I've ever seen in my life.  Pogba!  You're a lazy ****! The only time I've ever seen you run is for France.  You can f**k off back to France and sell those dodgy wristbands to the tourists with your brothers in Paris!  McTominay! You're a poor man's Fletcher!  Fernandes! You're the great man for the small occasion!  Afraid of that next step! Coward!  Lindelof! More like f**k off! You're days are finished here. Useless!  Fred! We'd be better off with Fred the Red in midfield! I don't blame you for being sh*t. I blame your parents for having you.  Rashford! Mr nice guy! Feeds the kids. Try feeding the team with goals!  Tony Loughlin sets up the tactics board. 'Here's the tactics for the next game lads' I say before I take a running jump and do a Cantonaesque kung fu kick on it sending it flying.

Woodward interjects. Roy could I have a word please?
'what the f**k do you want?'
He leads me to a nearby boardroom.
'I'm sorry Roy this isn't going to work.'


Sacked after 44 mins. The Damned United.


Edited by Trap junior - 21 Nov 2021 at 10:48am
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Edited by Jack City - 21 Nov 2021 at 1:30am
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I have learnt from my past failures and decide I need a top coach with lots of experience and big stature who the players will instantly respect so have decided to bring in Tony Loughlin and Phil Starbuck. 



LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Artie Ziff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Nov 2021 at 3:32am
Originally posted by Trap junior Trap junior wrote:

HALLOWEEN


The scene opens with a stormy night.  The lights have gone out and the gates of the mental institution are wide open.  Mental patients roam the grounds like zombies. The security guards lie dead on the ground.

Background:  On 18 November 2005 Roy Keane left Man Utd after murdering a number of senior players.
Now he has escaped from the local mental institution and has returned to the club on the same day 16 years later.  The famous number on the back of his shirt. This is his story....


Dr. Loomis:  ''He has escaped''
Nurse: ''Who?''
Dr. Loomis:  ''Keane''.
Nurse:  ''Aren't you being a bit over dramatic?''
Dr. Loomis:  ''You don't know what you're dealing with.  I've spent years with Roy.  I've studied him. I've watched him. I've seen him stare at a wall with those piercing eyes for 16 years. Waiting. Plotting.  The conclusion I came to was what we were dealing with was just pure (pauses momentarily for effect) evil.''


(scene cuts to Carrington training complex)

Paul Pogba is looking out the window as Ole Gunnar Solskjaer gives his tactical team talk for the game the following day
Why Halloween&amp;amp;amp;amp;#39;s Michael Myers Driving a Car Is Hilarious

To be continued....


LOL LOL LOL LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2021 at 12:59am
Christmas.  I sometimes ask myself 'what's it all about?' Its a load of nonsense.  People enjoying themselves? Do me a favour.  People getting excited! Believing in Santa Claus.  Wearing matching pyjamas!  Get excited if you win the lotto!  People seem to think I am this sort of loner who sits in his house miserable all the time.  Its all lies.  Listen. I'm not a total scrooge.  I do enjoy the odd Christmas movie.  Home Alone.  It's one of them movies you just have to watch isn't it?  If it's on I'll give it a watch with a cup of tea and a bit of chocolate.  That Kevin lad annoys me though.  Imagine missing your flight!  Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.  I might have a thought 'Go easy on him Roy.  Small child of 8 being left at home at Christmas. Not his fault.'  Then I would think 'no'.  'He acted the maggot the night before, got sent to the attic. Spoilt little brat. He got what he deserved.  Then there's Harry and Marv.   More like Harry Maguire!  Totally incompetent!  They are supposed to be professional burglars!  That's their job! Can't even break into a near empty house occupied by a little brat.  I tell you, if I was the other burglar I'd be swinging punches at that Harry. 
I always feel a little sad when his mother turns up at the end.  He gets away with murder! And of course he gets all the praise from the family after.  Do me a favour.  If I was his dad I'd kick him out of the bloody house!   Theresa tells me to stop yelling abuse at the tv.  What do you want me to do?  Not get angry? Not challenge him?  They're all a bloody disgrace!   Theresa says its only a film and to calm down.   What the f**k would she know. 


Home Alone - Rotten Tomatoes


Edited by Trap junior - 23 Dec 2021 at 1:10am
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Good one TJ Thumbs Up
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very good!
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LOL
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Happy Christmas, TJ!
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Originally posted by Het-field Het-field wrote:

Happy Christmas, TJ!


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Roy Keane shares heart-warming Instagram picture as he visits his mother -  Irish Mirror Online


Christmas 2021

We got through 2021.  I don't know how but we did it. Christmas Eve. Off to Cork now for Christmas. Now myself Caragh, Aidan and the rest are meeting in Manchester airport. The Ma has booked us on an Aer Lingus flight to Cork via Amsterdam.   The scenic route.  Typical Ma.  Trying to save a few bob.   Every one of them in your face wanting something from you and that's before the public start coming up to you for autographs and selfies.   We hauled our own luggage and checked ourselves in.  The place was a circus.  On top of that some of the grandkids come to the airport to see us off.  Mickey f**king Mouse.  My nightmare trip had begun.  Earlier in the year I met my Ma in a hotel to discuss Christmas preparations this year.  We agreed to do it right this time. The flights, the accommodation, the facilities and food.  f**king bluffer.  My nightmare trip was beginning to unfold. 
Our flight to Amsterdam is interrupted by arseholes looking for selfies.  I read the papers and read a story about I had snubbed Santa Claus at a kids function at Santa's Grotto at the Trafford Centre. I'm in foul humour as we touch down in Amsterdam.  A 4 hour stopover.  Christ!  My mood is further worsened by the news the Aer Lingus flight is delayed further due to the pilot coming down with Covid.  They are scrambling to find a replacement.   A weary 6 hrs later we touch down in Cork.
We walk out of the arrivals hall. We were supposed to be collected. Instead we haul our bags into the boot of a taxi. 'Mayfield driver'.

We arrive at the Keane house. Its the end terrace house.  I ring the door bell.  No answer.  The lights are on.  I ring again.  Eventually the Ma answers.  'Ah Roy. You made it!'.  We have a cursory cold hug and we go inside.  Its late so a small snack and we go to bed tired.   Christmas morning.  Theresa and myself go downstairs to find the Ma making the Christmas dinner.  We exchange presents.  Theresa and myself present a 16 piece crockery set from Harrods. Ma then looks a bit sheepish and tells me my present hasn't arrived yet.  She had ordered it from a Chinese website. 'They've let me down Roy' she says.  'Ma it should have been here two weeks ago!' 'Two weeks ago!' 'Fail to prepare, prepare to fail!'  Typical Cork. I decide I want to leave.
'Is it me Roy?' she says.
Of course I should have said 'yes it is you! The crap preparation, the late presents, the whole f**king lot!' but instead I say 'No, just personal reasons.'   I go to my room to pack. 10 mins later  Theresa comes to my room.  Says I have two minutes to make up my mind whether to stay or go.  Ma is about to call up Johnston to come for Christmas instead.
'I'll stay'.
'f**k it Roy.  It's Christmas.  Try and get along.' I say to myself.
Christmas dinner.  I sitting next to Aidan who says he didn't sleep well, that the bed was lumpy and dangerous with the bed springs beginning to penetrate through he tired old mattress.  Theresa puts on some Christmas music .  Ma serves up the dinner. 
Out comes bangers and mash.
'What the f**k is this?' I say
'Where's the turkey and ham??!'
Ma's sister MA's shadow Aunt Mary pipes up 'You should have asked for that stuff Roy'.
Jesus was I talking to the wall or what!  We had agreed to do it right this year.
'Do you think Jimmy Floyd Hasselbank is eating bangers and f**king mash tonight!'
'You're a crap host , a crap mother and you can stick your Christmas dinner up your hole!'

'Well if you don't respect me I don't want you under my roof!'
And with that I got up and left. 


Merry f**king Christmas.




Edited by Trap junior - 03 Jan 2022 at 1:57pm
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