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My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life'

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Robbie Keane
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sPICE UP YOUR LIFE Gwan MONROY

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FREEWHEELER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Feb 2014 at 10:01pm
Great stuff son
We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 18 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trap junior Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 12:05am
                                                    Ch 14 Punditry

''I had always sworn I would never be a pundit. In 2008 Sky came looking for me to do a Man Utd game at Old Trafford. I had always hated the idea but they put up big money so I called Michael Kennedy. He knows how I am.
''Go for it Roy. why not?'' he said
I reluctantly agreed.
Michael made the arrangements. A few weeks later I arrived at Old Trafford. I had started to hate the place ever since I left United. I felt like I was going to place of betrayal.  Kick off was 4pm but Sky require you to be at the stadium from 11am for make up and rehearsals. I am met at the security entrance by a Sky crew member. He escorts me up to the Sky studio whereupon I am greeted by sky anchorman Richard Keys.  I dislike him immediately but I think ''bite your lip Roy, try to get on with it.''
 He is wearing jeans and a white shirt with black suede shoes. He looks like he has stepped out of a MArks and Spencer's catelogue. The one where some gimp has his jacket hanging off the back of his shoulder with his index finger.  I had only ever seen him wearing suits before fromwatching the tv coverage from my home. He looked like a clown. He greeted me waith a smarmy handshake ''Welcome Roy'' he said as he told me to have a seat.  He handed me a few A4 sheets of paper which had the script for todays broadcast. ''What the fook is this?'' I thought  ''Are we in a panto or analysing a f**king football match??'' I said to Keys.  He just laughed like a moron. I gave him a hard stare. The one where it looks like red lasers are coming out of my eyes burning a hole in his face.  Keys gives me a quick run down of how he wants things to go today and I just wanted to leave.  ''Don't do it Roy. Don't take the bait'' I thought.
''Lets go down the canteen for some grub Roy''
''No I'm ok. Theresa gave me a breakfast.''
''Well we usually eat at 12 Roy then come back up around 1.30 for make up.''
''ok''.
''Great'' he said.
''Jamie should be along shortly''.  I rolled my eyes. He was referring to Jamie Redknapp. Footballs pretty pin up boy. I played against him many a time. I thought he was a coward.
We entered the canteen under the main stand.  Keys ordered a Lasagne and chips. I went for a bowl of water and lumps of raw meat.  It's what I used to have before a game.  After a while in walks Redknapp looking like a complete fool.  He's wearing skin tight ripped jeans, a black shirt and a scarf. It's indoors and early September. He has one of those haircuts that just screams 'punch me'. It's a hairdo Theresa would pay good money for. HE has brought his hair straightener along and a multitude of hair products.  I know this is going to be one of those days where I will find it hard not to smash him through the window.  I am feeling uncomfortable being among these muppets. Then in walks the gruesome twosome. Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.  Tyler looks like a pall bearer. All the character of a slug and his scottish sidekick is the Mouth of the Clyde. I hate the pair of them.  I made my way to the toilet and stayed there for half an hour. Anything to avoid talking to these fools. When I came back they were s*****ring.  ''Have a dose of the old Guinness trots Roy!?''  I felt my hand clench into a fist. Just then the sky make up girls come over to the table to tell us its time to get ready. Keys is saved by the bell. I am already wearing my suit but Keys and the other fool have to go off to change into their Armani suits and Rolex watches.  I sit in one of those directors chairs while the girls do their thing. They are lovely but I dont like wearing make up.
40mins till we go on air. We are all in the studio. Keys is drining a cup of tea talking about some tart that worked in Sky Sports News. Redknapp is giggling like a schoolgirl.
''I'd like to smash her backdoors in'' Keys boasts like a pubescent prick.
''Why dont you shut your mouth or I'll smash your face in'' R.Keane can be cutting too.
Keys sits stunned. Nobody''s ever pulled him on acting like a sexist pig before. I have a mother, a wife and daughter.  Pricks like him degrading them.
Keys and the other muppett sit in silence like choir boys until we go on air. 

The game is a snorefest. At half time Keys wants us to go over the highlights of the 1st half. ''Highlights?'' I thought .  I was nearly asleep. I was getting sick of this imposter. A 58 year old man acting like a horny kid.  I grabbed him by the hair on the back of his hands and stuck him a headbutt from across the table. Redknapp ran like a girl in terror. I'd get him another day. People were scurrying for cover. Security was called. I made my getaway down the gantry stairs. Luckily I brought my trusty basball cap. I pulled it down over my face. No one recognised me as I left the building.  Then all of a sudden...

Now willing to engage with idiots for a short period of time.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sham157 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 12:14am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Claret Murph Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 7:21am

" Bowl of water and raw meat " and still no sign of a Tea Bag , but there is still time .

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RogerMilla Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 7:25am
He has one of those haircuts that just screams 'punch me'.LOL
The first time the Devil made me do it. The second time I did it on my own.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FREEWHEELER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 8:22am
Superb, Roy O Carroll Kelly
We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 18 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Barna Bee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 8:48am
very good , you are a bit of a talent .....keep it up!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote McG Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 9:07am
Originally posted by Trap junior Trap junior wrote:

                                             

I went for a bowl of water and lumps of raw meat.  It's what I used to have before a game.  


LOL

Absolute gold.

I'll get it linked on the twitter machine.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FREEWHEELER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 9:35am
"Tyler looks a pallbearer", ha ha.......Clap
We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 18 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Flanno7hi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 9:41am
I went for a bowl of water and lumps of raw meat.  It's what I used to have before a game. 
hahahaha
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BigStrongMan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 10:29am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baldrick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 10:32am
Roger Millla made reference to Keane's solcitor having an issue with this.  Can SuperDave or Gerk or someone advise as to why this could not be put into a newspaper under a parody article and use that as defence.  Surely this would be comedy gold for a newspaper to print once a week.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FREEWHEELER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 10:55am
Surely if you changed the various names to something else, there couldn't be any issues, not that there should be anyhow, it's only a piss-take, I'd say Roy would even laugh.
We'll never die, we'll never die, we'll keep the Green Flag flying high......Shamrock Rovers will never die, we'll keep the Green Flag Flying high. 18 Leagues and 25 Cups.....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baldrick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 10:59am
Originally posted by FREEWHEELER FREEWHEELER wrote:

Surely if you changed the various names to something else, there couldn't be any issues, not that there should be anyhow, it's only a piss-take, I'd say Roy would even laugh.

Or maybe it could be read out loud on radio like the way Joe O'Connor had his slot on Drivetime on Radio 1.  Cork Accent would be a pre-requisite though  LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote McG Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 11:18am
Gift Grub dont have any issues with their portrayal of Roy. 

And as FW said, Roy would have a good chuckle at this stuff.

Someone tweet it to Alfie Haaland there. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote t_rAndy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 11:23am
Started off brilliant. Like a lot of good screenplays it seemed there was a difficulty wrapping it up and it felt a little rushed with the McCarthy bit
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote t_rAndy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 11:29am
Just read the updated diary with keys and gray. Now that was classic!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote El_nino Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2014 at 11:41am
Bowl of water and lumps of raw meat

Quality work

Edited by El_nino - 13 Feb 2014 at 11:41am
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