LANSDOWNE ROAD

By Donal "Statto" Cullen

            There are a lot of sad, boring gits in this world. People who collect train numbers, rate porn sites, learn Vulcan and can tell you the name of every planet in Ray Bradbury books. But the saddest of all these sad gits must be the football statistician who spend their miserable lives collecting and collating stats on a game that is always in a process of change and so they can never rest. But even amongst these there is a further level of sad gittiness for most of the sad, sad folk involved with football stats also drink so are useful to settle disputes. Yes, how often have these poor people have been described as “useful in settling disputes in pubs”. I have always thought that this must mean that they are big, burley blokes who can whack some sense into those who are involved in a heated debate about who scored Ireland’s first ever goal at Croke Park. But no, these are only poor sad gits who will only venture a Stephen Ireland when said blokes turn to him and ask him. However, beneath these wasteful individuals is the poor sad git who collects stats and DOESN’T DRINK! And so, inevitably, this comes down to me for I am that poor, sad, git who collects football stats and who can even settle pub arguments, as I do not drink.

            An insight into the World of these people is not necessary as nobody cares but when these poor excuses for human beings are given the chance to air their views on some blog somewhere there is always a chance that one of these miserable people will invite you into their World which is a invite that should never be taken up. Now the fact that you are reading this is an indication that you are falling headlong into this trap and you should stop now, as it will only get worse. Go check on the forum and see if there are any new posts, make yourself a cup of tea, go out and vote, watch Star Trek anything but get involved in the mundane World of a football statto who hasn’t got a life.

            But you keep reading in the hope that you will find a mention of something exciting despite the fact the poor git has put up in bold capital letters THERE IS NOTHING EXCITING IN THIS PIECE. STOP READING NOW! Yet, you still read on, despite all previous warnings. Now, this piece could turn into a rant about people who ignore the obvious, or even an essay on the reading habits on a normal football fan but it will not as this blog piece is all about Lansdowne Road and how it has made us poor statto’s all hot and bothered.

            Still reading, huh? Okay, you have been warned!

            So we are going to return to Lansdowne Road and hopefully to a place where the atmosphere of old returns. I think most football fans are looking forward to it and within these the stattos will also have a field day. But, hold on, apparently this will be a new stadium and this has got us all hot and bothered. Does it mean that the record at old Lansdowne will be replaced by the one at new Lansdowne? Or will the record at Lansdowne Road continue where it left off? Now when you think of all the problems in the World this might seem like a trivial one but in the world of a statto it is more important then settling the financial crisis and like that the issue must be addressed and quickly so as we can get some sleep at night.

            At a recent high level conference held in my bedroom, I proposed the point that the record should be continued as the site is what counts even if the name of the ground changes. This met with 100% approval and so I am putting forward to you today the recommendations of the conference that the “old” Lansdowne Road and the “new” Lansdowne Road should be considered one and all records relating to that piece of sod should be continued. After this conference I went back to my computer and decided to do up a stats piece about Lansdowne Road. The fact that there was only me at the conference should not detract from the fact that there was a full 100% backing for the proposal as us stattos tend to keep to ourselves.

            So here it is the record of the Republic of Ireland at Lansdowne Road.

            We have played 126 games at Lansdowne Road and all but one went to the full 90 minutes. The exception was the game against England in 1995 when England “fans’ rioted and the game was called off. As a statto, deeply involved in pass counts and corner counts, I managed to record a 75% success rate for baton hits on various parts of the bodies of the England fans which puts it up there with the very best the Gardai has ever achieved. Well done, that man! The game against England ended after 27 mins with a win for Ireland – one of 70 achieved there. There have also been 33 draws and 23 defeats.

            Our biggest win there was a 6-0 win over Cyprus in 1980 and our heaviest defeat was a 0-4 mauling by Holland during the Staunton era. We have scored 206 goals at Lansdowne and conceded 93. Robbie Keane has scored most there for Ireland with a total of 23 including one of 4 hat tricks to be scored there. The others were scored by John Aldridge, twice and David Connolly.

            Apart from Ireland the team that has played most international soccer at Lansdowne is Russia. Taken their record as both the Soviet Union and Russia they have played a total of 7 games there winning twice with Ireland beating them three times. San Marino were the 56^th and last team to play at Lansdowne Road.

            The first team to play at Lansdowne was Italy when a B side took on the Irish Free State in 1927. Bob Fullam of Shamrock Rovers had the honour of scoring the first goal for Ireland there. However, it was to take another 48 years before Ireland was to achieve its first win there with a 2-1 win over Switzerland in 1975.

            The biggest attendance there was 53, 000 who turned up at one of the better game during the Eoin Hand era when Ireland beat France 3-2 in 1981.

            Apart from all the it is an easy ground to get to with the DART station right by the stadium and I can’t believe you read all the way to the end. It probably proves that us statto’s are not the saddest gits in the World after all.