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Roy Keane
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jeremy Clarkson Quotes
    Posted: 14 Aug 2007 at 8:21am
CLARKSON QUOTES
 

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not
driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and
sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not
going to happen."
 
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood.
It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would
imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey
shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati
3500 GT.  Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of
Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet
fighter.  And lots of jelly."
 
"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd
rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard
Manning to come offstage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking
his back clean"
 
..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was
when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a
piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with
Germany"
 
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with
no word for w****r"
 
 On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine
this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
 
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It
couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
 
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to
describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not
"soot".
 
Hammond :"So its fairly terrible then?" Clarkson :"Oh
no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
 
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at
homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised
that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and
organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"
 
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected
sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
 
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
stationary... That's what gets you."
 
The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an
asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
 
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more
comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
 
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a
4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"
 
(Fed up during the caravaning trip) "You aren't
allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't
allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp
fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to
keep quiet,you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a
holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
 
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the
people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's
like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the
sexually transmitted diseases.""
 
(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it
would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying
to miss."
 
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have
to get to places quicker than I do?"
 
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in
the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and
therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them
down to prove them wrong'
 
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came
across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike
to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the
window,Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.'
What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced,
leaf-eating N**i"
 
"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed
unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair
access"
 
"If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it
can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola
does to you in 10days in 10years"
 
"Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm
mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
 
On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for
democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask
one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her
parents voted"
 
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't
feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick
off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
 
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the
entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"
 
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two
engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One:
weight.  This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole
American sitting on the tailgate..."
 
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself
the 60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its
just........" Hammond: "THAT bad is it?" Clarkson:"Oh
no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"
 
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR
built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it
handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory
complaining about how dead he was.
 
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not
even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink
flamingo, could fit into them."
 
Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson:"you can see from
the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didnt
you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was Doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be
in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are
shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to
notice it!"
 
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being
well-behaved... for a murderer."
 
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is
an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
 
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with
this quality of stitching... on their face"
 
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use
never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film,
and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.
You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some
bloke's sweaty face. "
 
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine.
Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under
the tweed. I do, and it helps."
 
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like
saying, I wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me
a lapdance, shes a woman!"
 
"During the break we got complaints that we don't show
enough green cars so here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini
Murcielago... in bright green
 
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American
equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George
Bush is the equivalent of a President.
 
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I
have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has
the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
This is our f**king country we're talking about - Keano

ROLL ON 2016
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Percy View Drop Down
Ray Houghton
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Aug 2007 at 11:58am
some good ones there
MERRY CHRISTMAS

@IrishPercy
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