Barry wrote:
It was Sunday 5 November 2017. It was a chilly autumn evening and Cork City had just completed a historic double. I lapped up the post-match celebrations. However, unlike the victorious Langers, I wasn’t looking at the celebrations on the pitch. I made my way towards the runners-up section. I got lost on the concourse but the smell of stale piss and ass cheese acted as a sat nav and it wasn’t long before I was amongst what looked like the aftermath of Chernobyl. These weird looking people were all wailing, crying and sobbing. The terrace was a sea of empty 3 litres bottles of Devil’s Bit, knock off Regal’s and tears. I couldn’t understand what they were saying. A little boy walked towards me. He muttered something in my direction. I couldn’t make out what he was shouting. All I could hear was Our Fella and Hi after each sentence that came from his malnourished mouth. I told him that I had no spare change but then he started to cry. I couldn’t just walk away so I tried to communicate with him. After several attempts, I finally cracked the language code. I felt like a linguistic anthropologist as he informed me that “his dreams were shattered and heart was broken, hi”. I laughed and rubbed his head and told him that he had made my day. Unfortunately, he had the last laugh as he appeared to have a head lice infestation. I had to get out of their and headed back to the InterContinental. After burning my clothes and having a wire wool and Dettol shower, I made, my way towards the Hotel’s chic and elegant ICE Bar. I knew this place was safe from The Land of the Walking Dead, but as I sipped on my Dr Pepper Zero, I noticed that there wasn’t any snatch to compliment the impressive artwork tapestry interior. I needed a good dump and as I looked up from the hotel's marble throne, a piece of cardboard caught my eye. Attached to the ivory toilet roll holder was a calling card. It read:
• Do you want clean, discreet, fun tonight? • Are you clean and open minded? • Have you no limits or boundaries? • Are you a straight male? If you have answered four out of four. Contact breathlessrunaway@gmail.com
My mind wandered as I wiped my crack slug clean. What had I got to lose? I had a semi-chub on when I emailed this mysterious stranger that my name was Qman and I scored 4 out of 4. The email response told me to go to Only When I Sleep Book Store beside Starbucks. This wasn’t a red British phone box offering the services of Eastern European call girls with Latin names in a damp East End bedsit. The lush jacks of the intercontinental offered up what could be a night to remember. Taxi to Starbucks, please!! When I arrived there was no sign on the building beside the racist coffeehouse chain but I noticed a neon sign that had an intercom. I buzzed in and the door instantly unbolted. I was greeted by a midget dressed like Gwildor from Masters of the Universe. The freaky-looking **** read from a piece of paper and disappeared like a pantomime villain: “If you would like your weasel greased, then it is a four-course meal that you must feast”.
There was only one room to enter.Upon entry, I noticed that there were three holes in the wall adjacent. Gwildor entered again and babbled out another riddle: “across the room, you can see, three different types of pussy. One is shaved, the other is bushy, the final one is like a tulip about to bloom, you must make all three cum before you can leave this room”. I was harder than a frozen gobstopper and the togs and jeans were down in record time and I headed straight for the bald rat. Gwildor prevents me from reaching my destination and I nearly took his eye out with my throbbing thrill hammer. I knew there was a catch. This Hobbit **** set the whole thing up, he wants to suck me off. I knew it was too good to be true. As I eyed up the three growlers I thought to myself: (what if I look at them while he’s gobbing on my cock, I might actually cum and at the end of the day needs must. Right you ginger ****, you can suck me off) He looked at me bewildered. I shouted at him to suck me off quick or I’d go semi-chub. Gwildor went ballistic. He started calling me a sick f**king faggot and ran at me. I had to Miyagi crane kick the little f**ker into submission. There was no talking to him. When he finally came around he told me that this black jeep with a Louth registration followed him around for a few hours. When he finally confronted them a masked caped individual handed him an envelope, rucksack and €500 for an evening’s work. He told me that his instructions meant that he had to handcuff me before I went down on them. I apologized to Gwildor and he popped the cop locks on like Jack Regan and gave me a cheeky backhander to the right buttock. He states that I must not communicate with those behind the wall. So, I go head first into what was already a really wet pink fancy. Mr Kipling would be proud, but I had a triple buffet to go through. No time to tease this clit. I am here to do a job and by the moans and banging from behind the stranger on the opposite end of the wall, I am nearly done here and then she squirts right in my eye confirming this, but I started to cough. Something was stuck in my throat I puked what appeared to be the corner of a napkin from Mullen’s Takeaway. One down, two to go. I pounced on snatch two like a Komodo dragon attacking a water buffalo. Immediately, I knew this was a mistake. The smell was unbearable. Her snatch smelt like a block of rotten Vieux Boulogne that spent the day out in the Death Valley sun and her clit was bigger than my 2” cock. I had to come out for air and started retching. I shouted for Gwildor. I told him I couldn’t continue. He reminded me of the rules of the game and if I didn’t make her cum, I wouldn’t get my weasel greased. I had a brainwave. I told Gwildor to go down the 24-hour garage and get me a 2 Litre of Dr Pepper and a jar of Vicks. He returned and I gulped down on the good doctor and nodded towards Gwildor. I could continue. He left me to it. Now, this was cheating, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach any more of that dead Racoon. As soon as Gwildor left the room I rubbed the Vicks around my nostrils. The night before I watched Hall Pass. In the underrated Farrelly Brothers comedy Jason Sudeikis fake chows a chick. The Vicks worked I could no longer smell that rotten Mikado biscuit. I dip my finger into Dr Pepper and lightly slap her clit. I guzzle back some more fluid and begin smacking my lips and pretend to be slobbering Saint Bernard. I got a cramp in my middle finger but she cums and wails like a wild Banshee.
I neck some more Dr Pepper and head for snatch no tres. I saved the best for last. After a few licks, her legs start trembling. I am enjoying this and know it will be my turn next. To paraphrase Vic Mackey her pussy tasted like sweet butter. I decided to tease her and take a break. As I knock back some Dr Pepper she bangs the wall so I dive straight back in and begin kissing her inner thigh but she bangs the wall again so I head back to muffville. She is damper than a slum landlord’s flat and this trimmed snatch is perfect. Her aroma is mind altering. I close my eyes and let my tongue do its job, I savour her flavour and I continue to tease and pleasure her. I start to plunge my tongue deep inside her and rapidly play with her clit. Her legs start tremoring and as she cums she puts her fist through the false wall. I did it. I ate everything on the entire menu. Gwildar reappeared and the ginger goblin unleashes another riddle.
“You passed test one with great success. Now it is your turn for some excess. Follow me to room number two were your reward awaits you”
I follow Gwildar down a dark narrow corridor and we enter a pitch dark room. The light comes on and I am on my own. I am still handcuffed. I notice a hole similar to one I spent the last half an hour on my knees before. All of a sudden Gwildar comes back in and unbuckles my belt and unbuttons my fly. He says that he is going to suck me off I am about to knee him in the face but he starts laughing and apologizes that he forgot to do this earlier and before leaving tells me to stick my cock in the hole in the wall. I say to him that he better not be at the other end of the wall. We both laugh. I head towards the wall and stick my flonk into the unknown. I feel a hand softly rub my helmet. The mystery and suspense of this whole experience is better than any Viagra and I can’t recall ever being this turned on before. Her lips were now wrapped around my cock. This was Heaven, Nirvana, Paradise, Svarga Loka and United Park all rolled into one. My jaffas are prevented going through the hole but she is deep throating me (not that hard as I am only 2”s when fully erect). I could feel the love juice rising from my nutsack and I screamed as I came. Gwildar comes into the room and wipes my dripping cock with a cloth and pulls up my trousers and buckles my belt. He then unlocks the handcuffs. I suggest that maybe he could have done that earlier and let me pull up my pants and clean my own flonk. I call him a fag and we both howl with laughter. Like a British butler, he produces a cold can of Dr Pepper and a glass of ice. I ask him what now? He tells me that I can get my cock sucked another two times if I want. I drink my Dr Pepper and it is so refreshing that it gives me a new lease on life. It puts lead in my pencil, fuel in my tank and I put my cock back in the hole. Surprisingly, it is harder than the first round (I had two wanks that morning, too) and instantly a set of wet lips is working like a Nilfisk Dustbuster. I come in less than a minute. In a state of ecstasy, I yell out “I haven’t felt that good since Thornton scored against Wexford in the second leg of the Relegation Play-Off in 2016”. That was the best blow job, that I ever had. I wanted to give my compliments to the chef. I called out “who is there? HELLO!!”. I hear movement behind the wall then a voice yells out:
“DIANNA WAS KILLED IN PARIS BECAUSE THE ROYAL FAMILY COULDN’T COME TO TERMS THAT A MUSLIM COULD GO ON TO BE THE STEPFATHER TO THE FUTURE KING OF ENGLAND”
My head goes all dizzy, I feel myself getting all week and my legs go from under me. I don’t know where I am now. I can’t move. My feet are tied to the legs of a table. My hands are secured together in front me. I am gagged and appear to be blindfolded. I hear some humming and then a lady starts to sing:
“I've been spending my time In the old town I sure miss you, honey Now you're not around”
Who the f**k is this? Then fear kicks in. Them ****s butchered Lynott’s 1982 classic Old Town. I know who this is. It is those sick f**ks from Craptown. The gag is removed but I am still blindfolded. What do you deranged ****s want, I scream. We want you Qman, we missed you. I don’t know which one is talking to me. Thanks for the head earlier, babe another voice says. What do you want, I roar, again? We want to f**k you Qman. Mmmm I lick my lips. Suddenly fear kicks in again. Where the f**k is Jim? Which one of you sucked my cock earlier? “Did you know that the American military has a secret tectonic weapon that caused the 2010 earthquake in Haiti” My stomach starts to turn. I had the two best blow jobs in my life, earlier and both were performed by a dude. Unexpectedly, I smell some sort of chemical and a bottle is pushed against my nostrils. My head starts to rush. I feel all relaxed. I feel great. Fear kicks in again when I realize that I am naked. What have you ****s given me? Amyl nitrite, Mr Q replies Jim. What the f**k is that? Poppers, my good man. I need to loosen you up says, Jim. I hear him spit on his hand. I know what is coming next. He is inside me and is pumping away for what seems like an eternity. Caz orders me to eat out her asshole they are like the Chuckle Brothers “from me to you”. Jim let’s out a loud groan and I feel his spunk inside me. The blindfold is removed and as my eyes adjust to the brightness of the room, I notice a mirror in front of me I can see a distorted image and when my vision is completely restored I projectile vomit everywhere. Jim is only wearing Princess Diana’s wedding dress. I continue to vomit. Andrea shouts out “oh Roman Showers all round” they start to finger each other’s assholes and then stick them down each other’s throats and begin to vomit all over each other. Jim looks on with a grin on his face. He’s like a new bride on her wedding night. Camcorder in one hand and cock in the other he walks the room like Spielberg recording everything. Shaz starts w**king me off and Caz has the poppers out again. I am all light headed. I come all over Shaz’s hand. It is only now that I notice that they are all wearing big, black latex strapons. Shaz starts lubbing up the strapon with my own cum and before I know it, she is in between my thighs knocking the hole off me. I then have two black silicone cocks rammed into my mouth. They all start high fiving each other. Jim calls me a greedy, little whore. The girls keep switching positions and before I know it, I don’t know who is where, or is it a silicone cock or a real cock that is penetrating me. I pass out. I awake the next morning in agony. I have my asshole stitched up and I can’t talk because of my vocal chords been ruptured. I quickly realize that I am in my own bed. I can’t move but am relieved to be away from that depraved family. I pick up the remote and the news is on. I am just in time gor the sports news and enjoy watching Cork lift the cup again. I turn the telly off and put the bedside lamp on. I notice something at the end of the bed. It jumps up and then I realize it is Gwildar. He is wearing a Craptown shirt. What do you want ya little ****? |