Fergie's 21 years at man u

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR FERGIE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

Like the Queen, Sir Alex Ferguson has two birthdays: December 31 is his real one, but his Official Birthday - the anniversary of the day he took over at Manchester United - is today. That epochal event took place 21 years ago, so to celebrate, here are 21 reasons why the Fiver loves Fergie.

1. Banging on about how his "greatest challenge was knocking Liverpool right off their f***ing perch", which wasn't much of a challenge when you consider George Graham and Arsenal had already done it.

2. Claiming Juan Sebastian Veron, who once played an amazing defence-splitting pass at home against Everton when United were 3-0 up, was a "f***ing great player".

3. Completely destabilising, then breaking up altogether United's best-ever midfield - Giggs, Scholes, Keane, Beckham - with the aforementioned "f***ing great player".

4. Stopping just short of making jokes about tanks with reverse gears when suggesting that "when an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate I check under the sauce to make sure". What next? Blacking up for laughs?

5. Not liking Arsene Wenger because the Arsenal manager seemingly prefers to go straight home after work, rather than sitting in Fergie's poky office watching the United manager suck down bottle after bottle of Special Grape Drink.

6. Not talking to the state broadcaster on principle, but being quite happy to use television money to prise players away from other clubs.

7. Banging on about how great Manchester United fans are, but not communicating with them via the state broadcaster.

8. Banging on about how great Manchester United fans are - "It is a great thing about football, what the supporters can do" - then suggesting fans and founders of FC United of Manchester are "a bit sad" and "a mob".

9. Banging on about socialism and picking up a CBE.

10. Banging on about socialism and accepting a knighthood.

11. Banging on about socialism and driving around in his sponsored Audi like a corporate shill.

12. Telling the Audi Channel how good Audis are while driving around in his sponsored Audi like a corporate shill.

13. Getting off with speeding up the hard shoulder of a motorway because he was manager of Manch ... hold on ... because he had some rusty water on the boil.

14. Denouncing celebrity culture yet hiring celebrity motoring lawyer Nick 'Mr Loophole' Freeman to present the aforementioned rusty water defence.

15. Displaying genuine blustering outrage when accusing Liverpool of tapping up Gabriel Heinze, yet not being averse to a spot of contract chicanery himself: two words here, and one of them is Jaap.

16. Whining on about timekeeping whenever United concede a late goal (ie any goal scored after the 65-minute mark).

17. After years of losing with a stunning lack of grace and dignity, perfecting the art of drawing with a stunning lack of grace and dignity, such as last weekend's only-audible-to-dogs irrational whine about referees, fans and security staff.

18. Having a big purple head that resembles a roasted aubergine.

19. Accusing Uefa of fixing the Big Cup draw so United always face the likes of Real Madrid, Bayern Munich and AC Milan, when in reality they're always grouped with Lille, Pope's O'Rangers and Basingstoke Town.

20. Working in an era where his side are practically guaranteed qualification for Big Cup every single year, without having to win the league first, yet only reaching one Big Cup final. A record which, for the purposes of ranking Sir Alex in the overall scheme of things, should be juxtaposed with those of commoners like Bob Paisley and Brian Clough.

21. Kicking a boot in David Beckham's face. Actually, Fergie's great, isn't he?