"Aha!"

"Lynn! You couldn't present a... cat!"
"Oh cook a cat!"
"Well there's no need for that!"
"Mrs Moneypenny's an egit! she's an egit!"
"I'm leaving you, you cow!"
"Bash your arse!"
"No not my face i'm doing a photo shoot tomorrow for vision express"
"Can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine"
"Not my words Carol the words of Top Gear magazine"
"Well, you're in the right ballpark. No, it actually says Cock, Piss, Partridge."
"There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent."
"Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."
"I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. Or bitch, might be a lady."
"I'm sorry, that was just a noise."
"Do you want some sugarpuffs"
"I'm gonna hump ya....like Deputy Dawg would hump ya"
"Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."
"Right, dry skin cream. I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack."
"I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one."
"Rolled on the thighs of a virgin."
"Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."
"In fact, you know, the best thing I ever did was get thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot!"
"BANG! I'm James Bond"
"Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus."
"Yes, it's an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake."
Alan has a confronatation with a former schoolmate regarding being caned as a teenager for having a chalk penis drawn on his back. "That was a long time ago Alan!" "That's what Nazi war criminals say!"
"I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?"
"We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, "Cook" where it once said "Cock", and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss", so it's slightly less rude."
"All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water."
"Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house."
"And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie."
"Alright, I'll rephrase the question. Can I... no, actually, I'll just repeat the question: have I got a second series?"
"Yeah, give me another series you sh*t."
"Tony, I've, look I've just bought a house. It's got a Buck Rodgers toilet. One yank, all gone!"
"Textbook sexual intercourse."
"Jurassic Park!"
"Kiss my face."
"I like your berets."
"Back of the net!"
"Smell my cheese, you mother!"
"Lynn I'm not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they're down."
In response to Jed Maxwell wanting Alan to meet his brother - ‘No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!’
While hosting his radio slot "Alan's Deep Bath" : "We're down to the final lather...just relax...there's a foamy bit on your shoulder - let's make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good....careful not to fall asleep and slip under, there's some terrible statistics about that."
In response to the offer of a drink at a swinging couple's house, Lynn says ‘No thanks, I don't want to be part of your sex festival.’ Alan questions, ‘Festival?’
After he eats an apple pie heated in a microwave, Alan exclaims ‘How long did you put that in for Lynn? It's hotter than the sun!’
When having a vision of himself lapdancing wearing an annorach and a thong and sparkling platformed boots in rythm to clubland music in front of Tony Hayres for the first time "Do you want me to lapdance for you?" ,Hayers offers him £20, "uh-uh I want a second series"
When having another of his numerous lapdancing visions after nearly being arrested for traffic cone theft "Do you want me to lapdance for you?, "my peep-hole pringle is modelled on an s.a.s balaclava, sweet feet ooooh", then he appears with two cones over his nipples "Do you like my cones? they are little ones i got them from a cycling test centre". "My license is clean yours is dirrty, you have six points I've got two.....points"
After it is explained to Alan why jockeys are short in stature: ‘I see! That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, it makes sense.’
Alan proposing a possible programming idea: ‘Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.’
The superbly scripted rhetorical argument: ‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me.’
Alan addressing the widow of a recently deceased 40 year old: ‘All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty”. They're notable by their absence. The nerve.’
When asked what upset him at the country fair, Alan replies: ‘Just people. I just hate the general public’
Commenting on the fact that one cannot have naked flames on a petrol station's forecourt: 'It's political correctness gone mad.'
Alan prepares for a confrontation: ‘The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!’
Alan noting the behaviour of a visitor to a petrol station: ‘Is he gonna get any petrol? No he's using the forecourt to turn around... he thinks he's Rod Stewart!’
Alan, when imagining himself gyrating seductively in front of the BBC Director General, wearing only his Y-fronts, socks and a golfing sweater with ‘nipple holes’ cut into it... ‘Would you like me to lap dance for you?’
Talking to two Irish television producers about the Irish Potato Famine: ‘At the end of the day, they will pay the price for being a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat at a modest restaurant.’
Discussing his love of the band U2 :- "Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'.
While playing the Crisis Zone arcade game against a child: ‘sh*tty zombies!’
While explaining the opening scene of The Spy Who Loved Me,‘"He's being chased by these Russian sh*ts in black jumpsuits, with lemon piping’
When trying to conjure up images of 'real Irish people' he includes "Bucktoothed simpletons... horses running through the streets... badly tarmacced drives in THIS country."
‘My girlfriend is 14 years younger than me. Back of the net!’
Contemplating his relationship with his girlfriend ‘Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse.’
After inventing a ladyboys chaser consisting of a pint, a baileys irish cream and a gin and tonic. 'Ooh Ladyboys'
'Ruddy hell its Soft Cell'
Arriving at a conference centre, 'The security in this place is terrible - I booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. I'd better go and tell them it's really me.' (Opens door and policemen are visible in the background. Closes the door quickly) 'We have to leave...Crossed wires...'
When talking to an East Anglian farmer on his radio show, ‘You feed beefburgers to swans!’
'If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.'
After having one of his James Bond videotapes recorded over by Michael's friend; Tex:‘I really wanted to see America's Strongest Man...’ -- Alan:‘Well now you've got Norfolk's Maddest Man!’
After having his entire collection of James Bond videos ruined when Lynn spills Sunny Delight over them, Alan takes a hammer and all his boxes of cereal outside the caravan. 'What you doing Mr Partridge?' 'I'm destroying my cereals.'
On making a documentary for canal boats: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’
‘In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve.’
To Sonja: ‘I love you, in a way.’
To the builders: 'I was repellant to Women... for two years'
To the BBC Head of Programming: ‘Smell my cheese, you mother!’ and 'Give me another series you sh*t'
After being asked had vandals got to his car again: ‘'Fraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum.’
To Lynn when she tells him they have to go to her mother's grave before watching all the James Bond films back to back: ‘The underground base of an evil genius ... then Doctor No.’
when tax inspectors are at the door "hello we're from the inland revenue"(tax inspectors) "No your not"(alan) "yes we are"(tax inspectors) "oh right come in"(alan)
Trying to grab his new friend Dan's attention in a car park: ‘Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Oh, he's not seeing me, I'll get him later. ... Dan!’
‘Oh, butter my arse!’
‘Abso-bloody-exactly!’
‘Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.'
'That's gash'
On being asked by Ben who Wings were: 'They’re only the band the Beatles could have been.'
'Lynne, some of these people have come from Stoke.'
'Stop getting Bond wrong!'
'Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.'
Upon answering the phone 'Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire! As I live and breathe.'
In celebration: "Jack-anack-anory"
Lynn enters the caravan while Alan is talking to the tax-collecters "Oh Lynn! The fat envelope!......... not you Lynn"
"It's vulcanised rubber, which means it won't perish."
Talking to a recovered drug addict on Christian radio "have you ever shaved your crackling?"
At a bird sanctuary with Gill. "This is the best Valentines Day I've had in 8 years" "Why, what did you do 8 years ago?" "Just had a better one"
Alan denies sending a Valentine’s card to Sophie - "Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest!"
On discussing female aesthetics (Sonia's best points) with Lynne: "I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon."
"Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab and, since 1993, manufacturers have been legally obliged to call them crab-flavoured sticks."
"Big Yellow Taxi there by Joni Mitchell, a song in which she complains that they 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot', "A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise."
"Just a little joke there about how infected spinal column affects the central nervous system... it's now 5.35am..."
"You make pigs smoke!"