My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life'

Breaking me bolix laughing here at the last chapters!    

Great work TJ

TJ

Ireland had got off to the worst possible start.  A 3-1 defeat to Croatia had dashed hopes of qualifying for the knock out stage. Yet, there was still a slight chance. A victory against Spain and Italy would get Ireland through.  A big ask but not impossible.  I've always felt Ireland should be challenging for major honours, not just there to make up the numbers.  Not everybody thought like me however.  The mood coming from the Irish camp was not good. During the press conference the usual positive lines were trotted out. ''We fear no one and we are here to win.'' I didn't feel much energy or urgency coming from the lads though.  ''Is this the attitude these lads bring into battle?'' I thought. One of the first rules in sport is that you go into games feeling you are as good, if not better than the opposition.  Whether that is the case or not is irrelevant. As players you have to think this way. Trick the mind. At Manchester United no one was allowed feel inferior. If you did you were out the door.  Mourinho one of the best managers in the world inflates his players confidence. He had Paulo Ferreira believing he was a top class player! Got him playing out of his skin! Paolo f**king Ferreira! The same could be said of Premier League journeymen Wayne Bridge and Joe Cole. They were no world beaters but under Mourinho they believed it.
There were rumours coming fromt he camp that Trapattoni had overtrained them pre tournament. Aidan McGeady amongst others had complained of the intensity and wanted a day off.  ''Hello'' I thought. Did they think they were going on f**king holidays for 3 weeks or something?? You've come to a tournament to try to win it. You should be working hard. I relished the hard work of training. As a player I felt the warm glow of satisfaction that only comes at the end of the day after a hard days training. I felt good, that I had justified my existence as a professional. That I had repaid the fee Manchester United had paid for me. Yet here were these cowards afraid of getting tired.  It had been the same old story when I played for Ireland. In Saipan Alan Kelly and the goalkeepers wanted to sit out a training game because they had practised for half an hour!  I wasn't surprised the mentality of the squad was so weak with lads like Shay Given still on board. Afraid of graft! 
Trapattoni had given in and let the lads have a day off. If it was me I would have had Aidan McGeady up against a wall and told to him to train hard or f**k off home. The day of the game comes round fast. Once again I am in the studio in Warsaw. I am joined by Chiles and Gareth Southgate. Southgate had been a defender for Crystal Palace in 1995 when I stamped on him in an FA Cup semi final at Villa Park. He told me he still has a Hi-Tec logo imprinted on his chest fromt he incident. I tell him to ''go f**k himself''.  To be fair to Southgate he wasn't a bad lad, but the sort of geeky mate you might be embarassed to have next to you on a night out. Still, it doesn't stop him getting on my nerves. Chiles had beeen drafted in from the BBC One Show. He had an unusual style. I didn't hate him but I didn't like him either. Too goofy and relaxed for serious football discussion. He was more suited to presenting programmes like Pet Rescue and Antiques Roadshow than international football. He asks me for a prediction. My head says Spain but I am not going to show these English bastards that the Irish are here to lose. ''Ireland 2-0'' I say. Southgate goes for Spain. I flash him a filthy look.
After 2 mins Torres has Spain 1-0 up. ''Was this f**king Groundhog Day?'' I thought.  ''Can these bunch of so called professional footballers not go 10mins without conceding from the kick off??'' I was digusted. The Irish are slaughtered first half yet somehow its only 1-0 at half time. We're back on air.
''Well Roy, not quite what we were hoping for from the Irish was it?''
''The games not over yet. At 1-0 there's always hope.'' I say

The second half is worse. A f**king shambles. Yet again Ireland concede straight from the kickoff. I decide to go to the toilet.  I take a load of toilet paper and stuff it in my mouth and let out a scream of anger and frustration. No one can hear me. I kick out at the toilet seat sending it flying off its hinges into the wall. I compose myself to go back out and watch the rest of the game. When I return its 3-0. ''For f**k sake''.  Not long after its 4-0. I am mortified. the sneers and mocking from these English pricks will be hard to bear. Im Irish. A proud Irishman. These sort of taunts just eat into my soul.  There's 10 mins left to play. Theres 35,000 Irish in the stadium. They are singing like they have won the world cup.  The 'Fields of Athenry' is sung by everyone over and over until the final whistle. I am disgusted. Losing 4-0, the country shamed beyoned belief and these eejits dressed as leprechauns are dancing and singing like it's f**king St.Patricks Day.  They should be smashing up the stadium, and waiting to assault the the players after the game. Same old same old. Typical Ireland. Mickey f**king Mouse. Take defeat lightly. Not me. I will be going back to my hotel to brood for the rest of the night while these muppets hit the town for a few beers and a singsong.
Chiles wants my reaction. I am calm but scathing. I decide to tell a few home truths.
''Robbie Keane, Shay Given, Damien Duff and Richard Dunne are the supposed senior players. Not one of them has turned up to this tournament! I think they are still waiting for their legs to come through customs!''
''Not one player can come out of this with any credibility.
Shay Given: sh*te
Richard Dunne : sh*te
John O'Shea: sh*te
Sean St.Ledger: sh*te
Stephen Ward: f**king useless
Cox: muppet
Duff: A disgrace
Whelan and Andrews should forget football and think about being a nocturnal security officer in a car park  or something coz all they are good for is standing around looking stupid doing f**king nothing! I dont think Glenn Whelan knows what a football is! Someone should tell him its a round thing that is supposed to be rolled along the ground to your team mates.  He thinks it's a f**king weather balloon he's kicking it into the air so often. Is he trying to get a f**king read out of the air temperature or something??!! Adrian his performance was like a f**king lead balloon never mind a weather balloon.
Aidan McGeady??: Is he really a pro footballer??  I played with him at celtic and let me tell you that he is as bad now as he was then. I dunno if he is playing with a full deck to be honest. We must have told him a million times to beat the first man with his crosses. I think we have a clip of him here trying to cross the ball tonight.  First cross here: Bam! hits the first man. Second one: Bam! hits the first man.  Third one: Bam! hits the first man. Fourth example: Bam! hits the first man. This goes on and on. I don't think that lad could cross a bridge.
Robbie Keane: Showed about as much class tonight as Jodie Marsh on a night out in Essex wearing a mini skirt and se through f**king knickers! There's a reason he is playing in Hollywood Adrian. No one f**king wants him. Waving his his hands in the air like he is at a f**king pop concert. No wonder he always has injured shoulders, he's probably got repetitive strain from waving all day! I think he's been listening to 'Maniac 2000' a bit too much. Maybe he's trying to start a mexican wave?
Kevin Doyle: He's been relegated more times than Accrington Stanley!  Useless! A waste of space!
Jon Walters: I got rid of him at Ipswich. He hasn't a brain in his head. A complete dope! He runs into more walls than George Michael drink driving!

People blaming the manager! Nah! The players should betaking a good hard look at themselves! No Wonder Trapattoni has no hair anymore, he must have been tearing it out for the last 5 yrs!
And the muppets in the stand singing away! Listen I dont agree with that nonsense! Let's not go along for the craic and a singsong every now and then.  We need to change the mentality in Ireland. Not good enough.

Chiles is sat there mesmerised by what I've just said. For too long now I've played the PR game. Don't say anything controversial Roy. Play the game. That will get you back into management. Well f**k that! I was told by some that only a fool would let me back into management.  Then John Delaney called. Say no more...


Edited by Trap junior - 14 Feb 2014 at 1:26pm

best yet!!

then delaney called , genius

I notice trap is unscathed so far, surely RK has a view on him

That last one is brilliant. Classic Roy put downs

Robbie Keane: Showed about as much class tonight as Jodie Marsh on a night out in Essex wearing a mini skirt and see through f**king knickers! There's a reason he is playing in Hollywood Adrian. No one f**king wants him. Waving his his hands in the air like he is at a f**king pop concert.

Kevin Doyle: He's been relegated more times than Accrington Stanley!  Useless! A waste of space!
Jon Walters: I got rid of him at Ipswich.  He runs into more walls than George Michael drink driving!

This is absolute gold TJ