My Roy Keane Diary: 'A day in the life'

Baldrick wrote: Roger Millla made reference to Keane's solcitor having an issue with this.  Can SuperDave or Gerk or someone advise as to why this could not be put into a newspaper under a parody article and use that as defence.  Surely this would be comedy gold for a newspaper to print once a week.

Not a defamation expert but it is parody so no reason why you shouldn't be allowed to say it.

It helps that it's funny.

I read this thread for the first time today and all I can say is wow.  Fair play pal it's class and I agree with everyone else who said you have a great talent for this.  Keep it up

                                            ch 20 Eamon and me
Eamon Dunphy was the ghostwriter for my last autobiography published in 2002. Ironically it was released shortly after the Saipan incident. Sales were very high and it was ultimately nominated for Sports Book of the Year both in the UK and Ireland. I had chosen Eamon to write the book because I had always admired his go for broke style on RTE.  He was outspoken, gave his opinion and had attitude. We were a good match. Eamon came to my house near Manchester in June of that year to commence work on the project. I dont let people come to my house. No one is allowed in. But I made an excepton for Eamon.  Eamon came to fame amongst the public in 1990 where he was very critical of Charlton and his tactics against Egypt. The Irish public, most of whom wouldn't know a football from an eggtimer were outraged. Here was little Ireland on the worlds football stage amongst the great nations of the world. What could possibly be wrong with that? Fools. I had long held the public with little respect. Most of them dont have opinions. Could they not see the hoofball they were watching?? Go with the flow. Dead fish. Eamon told it like it was. I respected that.
We sat down in my lounge. Eamon had a dictaphone and a pen and scratchpad. We chatted for 3 hours about Mayfield and my childhood. Eamon probing memories that I otherwise forgot. He did a good job.  Eamon came to my house 6 times during the summer and the book was ready for launch in  early September. I went to Eason's in Dublin for the booksigning. Many came which surprised me considering I dont like many people. The FA had a problem with the book. I was called before a disciplinary committee to explain the chapter where I had apparently premeditated an assault on Alf Inge Haaland. Eamon came with me. He explained to them that I hadn't actually told him this but that he used journalistic licence and freedom to embelish the story.  Nonetheless I was given a hefty fine.
 In 2003 Eamon had a new tv chat show. It was on TV3. Rte's rival station. It clashed with the long established and popular Late Late Show broadcast on RTE. Eamon was no shrinking violet! He knew what he was doing.  Michael called me to tell me that Eamon was keen to have me on the show. I was reluctant to do it.  I felt Eamon was trying to earn money and credibility from our relationship. The seeds of doubt about him were planted in the mind of R.Keane.  When I appeared on the show Eamon was a complete sycophant. He was gushing over me like a schoolgirl would for a member of Westlife. My estimation of him plummeted as he brown nosed me. The interview went ok but I made a decision about Eamon.  No more communication with this muppet.
As I gave Eamon the cold shoulder for the next few years he gradually got the message. 'f**k off!'   He slowly began to get more critical of me in his 'articles' and his tv appearances. When I became a manager he criticised me heavily for my work at Sunderland and Ipswich. I would remember that.  ''He'll get what's coming to him'' I thought.
In 2011 I was over for my annual visit. Guide dogs for the Blind in the Radisson Hotel near Stillorgan.  I like dogs. They dont betray you like humans do. They dont sh*te talk. Dont try to make money and fame from knowing you. Triggs eventually crossed the line when she did an autobiography and she was subsequently removed from my inner circle.  The day is going well. Its sunny. I am wearing sunglasses.  Then I spot him. Dunphy. He is sniffing around looking for quotes from his pals in the media. I watch him closely. After a while I see him move towards the gents toilet.  I excuse myself and follow him in.  He's taking a piss in one of the urinals.  I approach him from behind and grab him by the neck and push his face into the wall.  '''Dont you ever sl*g me off again you ****!!''
''I'm sorry Roy!'' he pleaded like a girl
I said ''drink your own piss and we'll call it even''
''I hate piss Roy''.  I handed him a pint full of it.
''Drink it''
''Yes Roy'' and down she goes
It was why Dunphy was more positive about myself and Martin's appoinment in November 2013. He knows not to mess with R.Keane.

Triggs eventually crossed the line when she did an autobiography and she was subsequently removed from my inner circle.  hahaha

                                            Euro 2012

As part of contract with ITV I was scheduled to be a member of their 3 man panel in the studio for their coverage of Euro 2012 in Poland and Ukraine.  Ireland had unexpectedly qualified for Poland after 10 yrs without qualifiying for anything. I wasn't surprised it was so long. You have muppets running the game in the country. You reap what you sow. Giovanni Trapattoni had taken the Ireland job in May 2008. It had raised eyebrows in Europe partly because Trapattoni had been a top coach and Ireland were a footballing backwater. I was surprised the FAI could arrange contracts. I wouldn't trust them to wash my car. It would probably go on fire.
 I had done Champions League coverage with ITV but now I would have to comment on my country. I wasn't about to mince my words.  Ireland had been handed a tough draw. Spain, Croatia and Italy were in their group. To be fair to Trapattoni it was probably the hardest group to be drawn in and Spain were World Champions and reigning European Champions.  Italy had won the World Cup before Spain back in 2006 and Croatia had knocked England out of qualifying for Euro 2008. Still. My feeling was 'if you want to be the best you've got to beat the best.' 
On June 10 Ireland play their first game of the tournament in Poznan. Poland. Our studio is based in Warsaw so I get to look at the game objectively without the hoolabaloo from 30,000 Irish fans in the streets clouding my judgement.  Adrian Chiles ITV's presenter asks me how the Irish will do in the tournament. 'I expect the Irish to win the tournament' I say. Chiles looks at me like I have 3 heads. Lee Dixon the former Arsenal defender is the other analyst. When I say analyst I use that term loosely. The man's a fool. He's there because he's got a nice haircut and says bland pleasantries.  ''I think Roy's right'' he says. I roll my eyes. What else would you expect this clown to say. He's been like an echo ever since we've been working together. I make a point of never looking him in the face. I have more regard for a turd.
''You really expect the Irish to make a run at the Euros Roy?'' Chiles interjects
I give him a hard stare for maybe 7 seconds. Chiles is looking very uncomfortable and is dying to break the silence, the dead air that TV anchormen dread.
''Why not?'' I say, giving him a filthy look
''I always expect to win.  The Irish will make it hard for Croatia. Trapattoni's got the defence looking mean, which I like and I expect us to give it a right good go.''
''I think Roy's right''.  Dixon sticks his nose in with another echo that makes me think we are broadcasting from within a cave.
Chiles interupts us to go to the match commentators and national anthems.  After 3 mins Ireland are behind to a tame Mandzukic header from 12 yds out. Shay Given, Irelands goalkeeper takes an age to get down. Nobody can believe it when it hits the net. Given had been Irelands first choice keeper since 2001. Personally I thought he was a greedy child. He was a cap collector. I thought he wanted to be the first footballer to get to 1000 caps the way he was going. Played in every friendly. That was Shay. Give the other lads a go? No chance.
Ireland lose 3-1. Its a f**king farce. They make me look bad after my pre game talk. I'm in no mood for Punch and Judy here beside me in the studio. After the broadcast I go back to my hotel room. I f**king trashed the place.  Passers by may have seen a Panasonic Vieira flying out from the 20th story of the Holiday Inn, Warsaw amid a shower of glass. The mini fridge was next to go colliding into the roof of a Toyota Prius on the ground below.  Lamps, Picture frames, you name it came to a tragic death. I sat looking at the wall for 10mins. There's a knock on the door. ''Who the f**k is that?'' I thought.
''Jest Policja''
I didn't understand but was guessing it was the police. I opened up the door. It was 2 police men and the hotel manager. The cops didn't speak english so the manager translated.
''was it you who threw the tv and fridge out the window?''
''I gave him a hard stare. ''yeah. What's your probelm.''
''you destoyed a guests car''
''It was a f**king Toyota Prius. I've done him a favour. It's a piece of sh*t. He'll get over it'' I said.
''you'll have to come with us''
''I'm going nowhere''
Within a minute two more policemen arrive on the scene.  ''Hello?'' I thought
Suddenly they have grabbed me by my arms and legs. Im still wearing my grey suit. One man to each limb. They are carrying me down the stairs. I am trying to kick and punch but these Polish ****s are too big and strong. They look like Ivan Drago's brothers.
I am bundled into a police van and....

...to be continued:
Next:  Ireland v Spain

 said it before but brilliant

''It was a f**king Toyota Prius. I've done him a favour.

....for once I felt ashamed. I'd let ITV down, my parents, kids and Theresa. Normally I cut myself some slack. 'That's who I am. Take me or leave me' sort of attitude  But not this time.  'What would Theresa think??' 'Will the Polish come down hard on me?' We arrive at the police station.  I am put in a cell for a few hours to cool off. I feel remorse. I know I've done the wrong thing, but f**k it Ireland were so sh*t.  After a few hours I am let out on bail. I have a court appearance in the morning. The police warn me that if I do not turn up that I will be caught and given a severe kicking. I nod. These guys aren't like the cops back home, who are more or less straight shooters.  These boys mean business and are a law unto themselves. They look forward to dishing out a few beatings. I call Michael. He's already on the way to the airport. News has filtered home via twitter that I've been arrested.   He tells me not to worry. He'd sort everything. It put my mind at ease. I check into another hotel under the alias 'Rodney Trotter'. I can't have the press hounding me and need to keep a low profile.  I check in and get to my room. It's luxurious. Ive got a dvd player.  I put on some Fawlty Towers. Good old Basil. He can always make me laugh. 'Maybe HE could manager Ireland?' I thought.
Next morning I appear in court before the judge. I plead guilty, pay a hefty fine and agree to buy the gimp with the Prius another one. 'What a waste. I'd rather drive a Lada' I thought.  I am ordered to return to the hotel to issue an apology and pay up for the damage I caused. It amounts to 48,000 plz which is roughly 12,000 euro. Michael is great. It's going to be fine.  He makes sure that the press think its only a twitter rumour.  It's a close escape. Theresa doesn't have to know. Michael tells me that I need to calm down. For once I agree.  He says he's going to stay with me for the rest of the trip. I appreciated that. He knows what I'm like when I'm away from home, away from my wife and kids. Sometimes I need to let off a bit of steam.  As far as ITV know, I've had a quiet night in. But I need to sort myself out before my next appearance in 3 days time when Ireland take on Spain in Gdansk.  Will I make it unscathed? I've had enough of my behaviour. I go to the ITV sport executive producer and offer up my resignation. Maybe that will lessen the pressure on me.  We agreed 'no'. He says I am taking these performances too personally, taking on too much responsibility. 'Take a few days off and come back fresh for the Spain game Roy'.