The Only Fools And Horses Thread

Favourite episode???

An unbelievably hard call for me, nigh on impossible. I'd go with, actually I can't havin just looked at a list of episodes again. There was just genius humour in so many different episodes.

McG wrote: Perfect opportunity to remind ourselves of ybigs finest post The Q Man wrote: To the tune of only fools and horses [end credits]   <font face="Arial">We've got some 500% profit Ireland shirts and miles and miles of umbro lies, Ireland tees, you boys in green and Kevin Kilbane Long sleeves, Blob games, sponsor change, no shame, football boots and polo tops <font face="Arial">And  Damien Duff track suits from a mush in the town of Rush, Rush, Rush, Rush, Rush, Rush, Rush, Rush ... No income tax, no V.A.T., No money back, no guarantee, Black or white, rich or poor, I ripped off Trap Junior for a score...... God bless Johnnycee, Viva Johnnycee, Long live Johnnycee, C'est magnifique, Johnnycee, Magnifique, Johnnycee, Johnnycee

The Beano to Margate hands down. 

McG wrote: The Beano to Margate hands down.  Albert "it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze"

garytwigg21 wrote: My favourite TV programme ever, have seen every episode countless times and still laugh even though I know what's about to happen. Can't think of a character in it who I don't think is funny  My favourite episode is the card game where Del and Boycie are playing heads up.... "How'd you know I was cheating Del? " "Because that wasn't the hand I dealt you!!" Brilliant stuff

Raquel was a grand bit of stuff in the earlier episodes.

Dodgy Del Boy and plonker Rodney flogged fake Rolexes and counterfeit jewellery - but when it came to one-liners, the Trotters dealt in nothing but gold – comedy gold.

The hapless brothers had millions of fans in stitches as they traded insults in Only Fools and Horses.

Writer John Sullivan died last year so there will be no return for the BBC sitcom that ran from 1981 to 1991, with Christmas episodes till 2003.

But now John’s son Dan has produced a book, bringing together the best quotes and most immortal lines.

So sit back and enjoy the wit and wisdom of Peckham’s finest – think of it as the “creme de la menthe” of the show’s one-liners.

Wit and wisdom: The Trotters

1 Did you know, 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area? The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands.

Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening. And then one fateful medieval day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr.

Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maiden was up the spout, the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole. BOYCIE

2 As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers”. DEL

3 I’m a Ming fan myself. He made some wonderful stuff, that Ming. Pity he had to go and die when he did. DEL

4 One day they might make a musical about the Trotter family. Then, as a sequel, they could do Schindler’s List on ice. RODNEY

5 They're yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do. DEL

6 God knows how you’ve got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold. When they see you coming you must look like a mugger’s pension scheme. RODNEY to DEL

Dodgy geezer: But Del Boy had some classic gags

7 Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her deathbed. She must’ve spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting. RODNEY

8 Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes. DEL

9 I’ve always wanted to go to Benidorm. Where is it? GRANDAD

10 ’Ere Boyce. This car’s a GTI. If you rearrange the letters, you’ve got yourself a personalised number plate. RODNEY

11 Dear old grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear. DEL

12 What about the time he was in the Navy, eh? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or dive-bombed... two of ’em in peace time. RODNEY on ALBERT

13 I don't know what you’re worried about. I’ve been eating British beef all my life. TRIGGER

Deadpan: Trigger delivered his share of one-liners too

14 Do you remember your cousin Audrey? I went to stay with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day he sent me down to Sainsbury’s with a shopping list. When I got back,  they’d emigrated. ALBERT

15 You must’ve spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors. My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror. Up until I was four, I thought you was twins. RODNEY to DEL

16 Del: The French have a word for people like me. Rodney: Yeah, the English have a couple of good ’uns an’ all.

17 He died a couple of years before I was born. TRIGGER on his dad

18 It's a well-known fact that 90% of all foreign tourists come from abroad. DEL

19 What's the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner? TRIGGER

20 Give my love to Marlene... Everyone else used to. SLATER to BOYCIE

Joke: Boycie was on the receiving end more often than not

21 Look at Grandad. His brain went years ago, now his legs have gone. There’s only the middle bit of him left. DEL

22 Would any self-respecting axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks and leave his chopper on the sideboard? DEL

23 I’ve just found out my wife has been lying to me. Every morning she says she’s gonna leave me and when I come home, she’s still there. DENZIL

24 Come on Rodney, I’ve told you before, it’s everything between you and me split straight down the middle, 60-40. DEL

25 He who dares wins. He who hesitates... doesn’t. DEL

26 I’ve got this horrible feeling. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck, I’ll come back as me. RODNEY

Unlucky: But Rodney settled down with Cassandra

27 You've had more dogs than Crufts. The other day, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners. They found a muzzle in the pocket. DEL to RODNEY

28 You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.   DEL

29 I am a black belt in origami. DEL

30 Del: We had Denzil in goal, we had Monkey-Harris left back, we had... camaraderie. Trigger: Was that the Italian boy?

Rostrevor Fan wrote: The older stuff is far better - didnt like when the series ended and they done the christmas specials and didnt like after they became millionaires it lost a bit of its magic but will go down as absolute comedy gold - Cassandra was poor but the worst ever character brought in was Damien as a young teenager

Early stuff was defintely better but the episode when they became rich was quality. When they walked into the pub and everyone stops and stares then Denzil stands up and starts clapping and the whole pub follows, would bring a tear to a glass eye. If they had finished with the line "no Rodney, I'll buy the sandwiches, cos you got the rolls" it would have been perfect. Everything after that was pretty poor. Should have finished it there and left it.
Damien was sh*te.

Just reading those one-liners has me in stitches JackTheLad!